Through the years my steadfastness on this topic has not wavered. Pet peeves have crept in which I file under “stupid people doing stupid stuff.” Now, however, I hesitate in giving a reply. To most my answer remains the same. To me it is far from the truth.  While forms of abuse still ruffle my feathers, and probably always will, there is now something else that feeds the raging monster of anger with in.

Vulnerability. Helplessness. Weakness. No matter what word is used, it still comes from within. When your body brings about a disease it has a way of throwing your life and manner of thinking into a tailspin not easily recovered.

My body started behaving in a way that it should not. No one could tell me why. When I received a call from a “substitute” nurse wrongly telling I had diabetes, I thought my world was ending. After losing my grandmother and a close friend to the disease this news hit me like a sledge hammer on a carpet tack.

In a manner, I wish diabetes had been the answer. However, several weeks later I listened intently with some relief as my doctor explained that in fact, I did not have diabetes. I am pre diabetic. This news only gave a short term air of solace. We were back at square one. If not diabetes, then what.

Seven months! It took seven months for the parade of doctors to diagnose me with Meniere’s Disease. This disease had been mentioned to me by one doctor two months before the diagnosis. At that time my research began. My findings were anything but reassuring.

Meniere’s disease has no known cause, no known cure. These words plunged deeper into my heart and soul then lead weights into the deepest sea. As a perfectionist, I like being in control of my actions and my body. This time is no different. No one can tell me why I have Meniere’s. No one can tell me how to eliminate it. Needless to say, I am not a happy person.

What makes me angry?  Having a disease that no one can explain makes me very angry. I cannot explain why. I just know I am angry though no one is to blame. Even though a few aspects of the disease were gradual, most were not. I feel as if my normalcy had been snuffed out like a candle.

What is my response to everything?  Isolation and self medication. It is easier to withdrawal and shut myself off from the world. I trust no one and cannot trust myself to be around others. Pondering these issues and others, I often cry myself to sleep. To prevent this, I take Benadryl or drink valerian tea to put myself to sleep. Weekends in isolation are worse. I have been known to spend them with alcohol to numb my body, mind and soul to prevent thoughts of Meniere’s from seeping in.

So, what is at the heart of the matter? I cannot trust and will not try till the anger goes away. The anger will not go away till there is a cure for Meniere’s Disease and that is improbable in my lifetime. Hence, a very vicious cycle.

The thoughts for this blog post have been forming for a while, then last night they were coming closer to the surface.  This morning I had a bit of a FaceBook e-mail exchange with another friend and helping to educate her about Meniere’s.  Again, as I was confidently typing my responses to her I couldn’t help but feel so utterly and completely helpless inside.  Sometimes I have to step back and look at myself.  I have the ability to display to the world the most confidence and surety while inside I am falling apart at the seams.  Where do the helpless go to get help and support?  What can we do to sure up the rupturing dams within?

There are some forums on-line and for some of the lucky there are local support groups you can attend in your area.  I have been part of these forums, but there are no local support groups to attend.  I have been approached several times to start one in this area.  However, giving how I feel and knowing it would be common, I believe it would be difficult as we don’t always feel like sitting in a room with others trying to be supportive and therefore we opt to just stay safe and comfortable on our couches and beds.  Sometimes we are supported by spouses, children, parents and others who are there or come over to help out.  I survive on my own.  I have been trying to be supportive of a few others with Meniere’s who need a shoulder and an ear (not that I have much left in the way of ears **insert chuckle here**).    I am glad that I can be here the best I can for anyone who needs me.  Just ask.  If I don’t have the answers I will try to find them or direct to the answers the best I can.

Let me go back to something I mentioned earlier.  Danny Pancy is a gentleman who has Meniere’s Disease.  He is also a photographer.  He put together a 20 minuted DVD to help others understand what we with Meniere’s go through.  The only audio is white noise since we have tinnitus in our ears 24/7.  Mr. Pancy has used his talents as a photographer and the wonderful technology available to distort photos to help display the way we view things.  I have shared this DVD with others so they can better understand.  It helps them feel a little less helpless.  Check out Mr. Pancy’s DVD on his website http://www.shutterfreaks.com/Pancy-Menieres/contact.htm.

For those who have Meniere’s we know there is really know way to feel less helpless when we are in bouts.  For others, those who know us and care about us, staying away is not the way to help us or you feel less helpless.  I know, too well, intimacy with loneliness.  This adds to my stress, but I keep going on knowing it will always be this way for me.  But I plead with others to reach out to those you know with Meniere’s and educate yourself, not for the purpose of trying to ‘fix’ them, but for the sheer purpose of trying to better understand.  Sites like http://www.menieres.org/ and http://www.vestibular.org/ are great sources to start with.  We just want to feel normal and feel like those who cared about us before the dragon invaded are still there for us and still care.  Don’t be afraid just because we can’t do the things we used to be able to do.  There are still other things we can do, like sitting and chatting about life and things in general.  If you treat us differently, especially by disappearing, then to you we become the disease.  Show us that we are still human beings worthy of your time and your friendship.  The helpless feelings may never totally disappear, but they can be diminished in all of us.

The third week of June, just one week before my scheduled appointment with my doctor, I decided to relax in bed for a while before getting up to enjoy the Shabbat.  I rolled over on my left side and tucked the pillow up under my neck.  At this point I felt a ‘crunch, crackle and pop’ in my left ear.  I lay perfectly still for a bit, afraid to move, not knowing what was happening.  When I finally sat up my world was spinning.  I had not felt this way since mid October.  I made my way to the couch and pretty much remained there until Monday when I could call the doctor.

Anyone who has Meniere’s or is close to someone with Meniere’s, knows how unpredictable this monster is.  by the time I got in for my Friday appointment, we had determined that I now have a third trigger ~ WEATHER.  Now I fully understand those who refer to themselves as “walking barometers”.  We got new grommets inserted and this time they should last two years.

While I didn’t have issues with the original triggers after the grommets were inserted, I still have minor issues with the weather changes.  It seems that when the weather changes now I get a dull ache deep in my ears and experience some fluttering.  In the beginning of September I was lucky enough to get H1N1.  This proved to have a bad effect on my ears.  I had lots of aching and it seemed my hearing worsened.  When the illness cleared I noticed that I now have constant tinnitus in both my ears instead of just the left ear.  My doctor sternly advised that I not get either versions of the flu again for the remainder of the season. (As if…)

Earlier this week I was getting over what I initially thought was a second round of the flu, but  thankfully, turned out to be Acute Bronchitis instead.  My left ear began doing weird things so I put in a call to my otos nurse.  When she returned my call, we talked.  She reminded me about the weather and advised I take it easy and keep an eye on things and call back if they don’t improve or get worse.  you know, the usual blah, blah, blah.

Everyday we have ups and downs.  Right now it appears that I am on more of a Merry-Go-Round.  For four years I felt as if I was on a very wild roller-coaster.  I HATE roller-coasters, so I am glad I am no longer on that part of this ride.  I will accept being on a Merry-Go-Round with Meniere’s although I wish I could be on a real one instead.  I will continue to research (for now with a clearer head) and write my book while educating anyone and everyone I can about this dragon that invaded my life five years ago.  one day, he will be totally defeated.  Until then, my sword stands ready to fight whenever he comes to prey.