The Heart Of The Matter
Once upon a time when I would be posed with the question as to what makes me angry; my reply would be prompt and sure, ‘those who abuse children, animals or anyone who cannot properly defend themselves.’ Being a survivor of childhood abuse and seeing it in its many ugly faces I knew in my heart of hearts this is what angered me the most.
Through the years my steadfastness on this topic has not wavered. Pet peeves have crept in which I file under “stupid people doing stupid stuff.” Now, however, I hesitate in giving a reply. To most my answer remains the same. To me it is far from the truth. While forms of abuse still ruffle my feathers, and probably always will, there is now something else that feeds the raging monster of anger with in.
Vulnerability. Helplessness. Weakness. No matter what word is used, it still comes from within. When your body brings about a disease it has a way of throwing your life and manner of thinking into a tailspin not easily recovered.
My body started behaving in a way that it should not. No one could tell me why. When I received a call from a “substitute” nurse wrongly telling I had diabetes, I thought my world was ending. After losing my grandmother and a close friend to the disease this news hit me like a sledge hammer on a carpet tack.
In a manner, I wish diabetes had been the answer. However, several weeks later I listened intently with some relief as my doctor explained that in fact, I did not have diabetes. I am pre diabetic. This news only gave a short term air of solace. We were back at square one. If not diabetes, then what.
Seven months! It took seven months for the parade of doctors to diagnose me with Meniere’s Disease. This disease had been mentioned to me by one doctor two months before the diagnosis. At that time my research began. My findings were anything but reassuring.
Meniere’s disease has no known cause, no known cure. These words plunged deeper into my heart and soul then lead weights into the deepest sea. As a perfectionist, I like being in control of my actions and my body. This time is no different. No one can tell me why I have Meniere’s. No one can tell me how to eliminate it. Needless to say, I am not a happy person.
What makes me angry? Having a disease that no one can explain makes me very angry. I cannot explain why. I just know I am angry though no one is to blame. Even though a few aspects of the disease were gradual, most were not. I feel as if my normalcy had been snuffed out like a candle.
What is my response to everything? Isolation and self medication. It is easier to withdrawal and shut myself off from the world. I trust no one and cannot trust myself to be around others. Pondering these issues and others, I often cry myself to sleep. To prevent this, I take Benadryl or drink valerian tea to put myself to sleep. Weekends in isolation are worse. I have been known to spend them with alcohol to numb my body, mind and soul to prevent thoughts of Meniere’s from seeping in.
So, what is at the heart of the matter? I cannot trust and will not try till the anger goes away. The anger will not go away till there is a cure for Meniere’s Disease and that is improbable in my lifetime. Hence, a very vicious cycle.