The Damsel Fights Back

The Damsel And The Dragon

On the heels of the Queen’s death and the conjoinment of Prince CuChulainn, Princess Emer and Duchess Ryanne, who were now ruling over of the kingdom, came an influx of new faces migrating to the Islands that are called Lost and blending into the fabric of the kingdom deeply enriching the Flanagan Clan.  One of these fresh faces belonged to a comely damsel.  She walked into Flanagan’s Pub one cold winter evening to attend a festive gathering and to satisfy her curiosity about the Clan and other people in the kingdom.

Putting on a name tag that simply read “Parker” she returned greetings with all the confidence and stability of a newborn kitten.  Parker was careful not to make eye contact with any one, but remained on the sidelines watching in wonder and awe.  The crowd was dense and she knew no one in the room.  Slowly she meandered around the perimeter of the amazing ornately plain room.  She studied with care the textures and moldings that would make this ballroom come alive even if no one was present.

Stepping through a side door the damsel had her breath taken away.  She was in the original part of the pub and found herself reaching out and touching the smallest details with tender fingertips.  Studying the richness of every crease and crevice, Parker lost all track of time.  She allowed the music wafting in from the outer ballroom to lull her further into a mesmerizing trance that propelled her into the speculation of the history of the fine craftsmanship enveloping her.  While her fingers ran along the ivory keys of the piano she did not realize her solitude had ended.

As she caressed the handiwork all around her, Parker was unaware of eyes studying her.  She jumped at the greeting bestowed from behind.  Turning toward the door, Parker was face-to-face with Prince CuChulainn and returned his greeting apologizing if she had entered a room not open to the public.  The prince assured her that all rooms were opened for exploration.  He went on to apologize for interrupting her reverie but explained that he was not given to crowds and much preferred smaller gatherings.

The pair chatted for a while then the prince went into a detailed history of the pub.  Lovingly he explained how the queen had desired such a place for the Clan and all those in the kingdom to come together.  Parker drank in every historical notation accounting the construction and dedication of the pub, its ballrooms and gardens.  She did not want to miss one iota.  The more the prince talked the deeper the damsel drifted into the manifestations that are the Flanagan Clan.  In the same reality the deeper the prince took Parker’s thoughts into his recitations, the further she went from the nightmare in her own world.

One cold winter night in the warmth of a cozy pub, a friendship was formed between two unlikely souls.  Parker and the prince would spend hours together talking and sharing their thoughts and their joys.  Enthusiastically the pair explored various parts of the kingdom and enjoyed the richness and beauty therein.  But, always close in the damsel’s conscience was the battle looming that she fought every day.  Wanting to enjoy every blissful moment, the damsel knew she could not reveal to anyone in the kingdom (least of all the prince) that a dragon had come to claim her and threw her into a vicious battle that she fought alone in her own world.

Years before, without warning, Galar entered the damsel’s life.  At first she did not think the dragon powerful and venomous.  Time proved her wrong.  However, knowing his strength would not have given Parker any foothold to banish him from her life for good.  In the beginning Parker did not know what she was fighting and knew even less about how to fight dragons.  Instead of fighting, the fair damsel gave up and ran away looking to find replacements for all that Galar had stolen from her.  In her apparent flight from reality, Parker found herself continually on the Islands that are called Lost and enjoying the companionship of a prince.

Day after day the sweet damsel entered what she called her fairytale life.  It was there that she could be herself again, be whole.  In her fairytale life she could run and dance and even spread her arms to fly.  There, Parker could control her own life and not be concerned with Galar looming behind rocks or lurking in caves waiting for a chance to spring, talons extended and deliver more crippling blows to her already fragile body.

In the fairytale land of the Islands that are called Lost, Galar dared not enter, but the moment Parker would step out of the fantasy, away from the beauty of the land and the companionship of her princely friend, Galar was waiting.  His hot breath steaming through flared nostrils would cause her head to spin.  Galar is a sneaky dragon and does not fight fair.  He has a way of leaving his prey alone and just watching, waiting for just the moment that the intended victim would feel confident that he was finally gone and would plague them no more.  Then at just the perfect moment Galar would extend his talons and use the full force of his mighty arm to knock the victim off their feet and leave the poor soul laying there writhing in pain.

One day, in the early spring of friendships blossom, a messenger arrived while Parker and CuChulainn were exploring gardens on the far side of the kingdom.  Parker watched helplessly as news delivered to the prince that a knight, who was closer to him than a brother, had been murdered by a dragon.  It was speculated that this dragon was of the same nest as the one which claimed the queen and another knight who was a boyhood friend of the prince.  In his grief the prince ran off for the palace leaving the damsel to stand shivering with worry.

Parker return to her home and watched the day the prince rode off on his steed to hunt down the dragon which dared to enter the kingdom and take the life of one so loyal as Sir Jeff.  Parker waved as CuChulainn rode by, but still buried in his grief the prince did not see his friend.  In her heart of hearts, Parker knew she would never again spend time with the one who had given her many hours of relief from Galar.  Demurely patting away the tears rolling down her cheeks with her lace handkerchief, she slowly turned and walked back into her home.  Her reality.  Her own personal battleground.

Deep concern for the prince allowed Galar another entrance into Parker’s world.  She was already weakened from previous battles with her fierce enemy.  Now, her heart broken, Galar wasted no time hurling his fiery darts in just the right places to send Parker crumbling to the ground.  There was no one there to catch Parker as she fell and no one to help her fight this dragon she did not understand.  Now, she no longer had any one to help her escape his relentless torment even for the briefest of time.

One brisk autumn day, lying in a sea of her own tears, Parker found herself curled up like a kitten shivering in pain and fear.  Slowly, she pulled herself up.  For the moment Galar did not appear to be around.  Tattered and scarred, the once fair damsel knew in fractured clarity that she needed to fight back.  After bathing, Parker put on fresh clothes and went in search of a friend.  Stepping back into her fairytale world she reacquainted herself with others she had enjoyed the company of in time long since reverted to memory.  Spending time in her fairytale land with acquaintances she felt comfort that she hadn’t felt since her time with the prince.  Once again, Parker had found an escape for brief interludes from Galar’s ferocious attacks.

Slowly, the damsel regained the resilience she knew before Galar entered her life and wreaked havoc.  As she felt surer of her footing she also found herself trusting.  She began to share information of her battles with those who had taken her in as family and friend.  Neither the Flanagan Clan nor the royals had fully accepted her, save the prince alone.  She was a commoner and not a clansman therefore, they could never have fully accepted her.  However, in a quaint little village known as the Bee Hive Township, there were those who offered hands to hold and arms to lean on whenever Parker was weary from her battles’ rage.

Seven souls welcomed Parker into their world and in return she began to trust their strength and learned to use it during the ensuing skirmishes with Galar.  Even the times that Galar would have the upper hand, Parker knew she was not alone.  There were seven angels who were each in their own way, there to catch her or to help her tend her wounds.  Over time, in the fortitude of a few, Parker found herself winning the battles more and more.  Galar turned his attention from the damsel with the help of a gentle wizard who truly knew how to fend him off.

Parker would return to the Islands that are called Lost from time to time and continued to be concerned for the prince.  However, CuChulainn faced his own dragon and the sweet damsel held vigil against hers.  The season’s changed as they always do, but Parker could now stand in both her fairytale world and her real world with trust in her heart with the weapons of friendship and love to wield whenever Galar came to prey.  Deep within the damsel knew this dragon would never go away.  But then again, neither will friendships found so true.

June 19, 2009

© DL Bach

**DISCLAIMER – The characters in this story are people in Second Life.  I am not, in any way, attempting to mock or do harm to any deities.  The people chose their own names and I just wrote my story.

I spent last night in and out of sleep.  When I was out of sleep I was thinking about everything that still has to be done.  I woke up thinking about this post.

There are those who will wonder why I didn’t come to them with all of this.  Well, how could I bring you my tears when you didn’t want to share in my laughter?  In my life I have had one thing in my heart that I have striven to bring forth to the world in my meager words and that is peace through understanding and acceptance.  The world has not listened.  My heart is not to be heard.  The world is not ready to hear what is in my heart, for it would rather hold onto its anger and hatred.

Perhaps in my next life, the world will be ready to hear what is in my heart.  I believe that the intent of the heart follows you into your next life, so perhaps I have been trying to get the world to hear my heart for generations.  Not this life, but hopefully the next.  If you desire to me honor after I am gone, then remember the message of my heart and learn to accept others no matter the differences and understand that everyone is a human being above all else.

True peace will come when people move beyond the fears of what is different and accept everyone as individual human beings without the anger and hatred that continues to bind this world through ignorance.

I established a bucket list of sorts as my new year resolution this past January.  It will go undone as no one seemed to care enough to want to help me when I sent out a plea.  I have been screaming for help for a long time now and no one gets it.  I sit and listen to the ills that everyone else has but when I even attempt to say how I feel I am either turned away or told just to get over and go on.  I know others have their issues and they deserve to have their say and I respect that and let them talk whilst I listen.  I would never take that away from another human being.  I will continue to listen, but never again will I attempt to confide in you or trouble you with how I feel.

When my grandfather and step-grandmother died, so did the last of the love I ever truly received.   My beloved best friend Sissy had dubbed me Miss Independent not long after we became friends.  My greatest strength and my greatest weakness were always one and the same, my independence.  When I have in the past few years made known my needs, they weren’t filled.  I kept writing about it in my blogs and as posts on FaceBook, but no one ever tried to reach out and help ease the pain.  I will say this one last time, LONELINESS KILLS. I find it fascinating that none of the so-called Christians nor Messianic believers I know in this area could reach out to me and yet when I voice my feelings all they can do is preach at me and I am supposed to accept it.  I seem to recall a passage in the scriptures that talks about the Messiah separating the sheep and the goats and the goats question the Messiah when he says they never came to visit him when he was sick or in prison.  “When you have done it to the least of one of these…”

If anyone is actually reading this, you may have questioned the date.  Well I thought it would be fitting to exit this world the same day I entered it.  I am an organ donor and to my belief the only organ that will most assuredly not be able to be used will be my lungs (asthma is a harsh way to go, but the best for helping more people live).  I have my will and living will in tact with all my wishes specified and will have a hard copy of each signed and notarized prior to my departure as I will lay them on the in-take desk at the emergency room when I arrive.

Since I have been nothing more than an afterthought in life, I hope that I will be just as important to everyone in death.  If you feel guilt after I am gone, I hope it is excruciating.  I feel people only experience guilt IF they have something to be guilty for.  Shed no tears for me after I am gone as you did not want to even share laughter with me while I was here.

It has been a very long run, but it is time for the curtain to come down on this joke of a show.  I thank you for the abuse and all the ways you only used me.  I do hope you will not find anyone else to treat this way.  I only wanted peace in the world and for people to just accept each other and not try to shove their own ways and beliefs down other peoples throats.  Perhaps I was undeserving of love because I am substandard in every way, but please love every human being as if they are your closest kin.

In February 2007, I was at home watching the Law & Order: SVU episode where they were looking for a person who was involved in a virtual reality world called “Another Universe”.  This gave me an idea.  I found that Another Universe is fictitious, however there is another virtual reality world that was alive and well called Second Life (later in 2007 Second Life (SL) would be depicted on CSI).  I had my laptop at work and created an avatar and entered the world.  Due to not having internet at home at the time and issues with my laptop I did not make it off Orientation Island.  I put SL aside and went on with my life.  In the midst of Meniere’s I dealt with the death of my father and a treatment that took away my immune system and left me fighting colds and infections.

October 2007 I watched the CSI episode involving SL and was reminded of my failed attempt at entering that world.  I couldn’t recall my avatar’s name and password.  So I created a new avatar and called her Parker Janick (Parky).  I made it into SL this time and began exploring.  I would spend my free time at work in SL (I worked nights at a television station and was all alone there)  During my exploration I was clicking things and not knowing what I was doing things would happen.  One time I clicked something and received a blue box and clicked yes.  I then went to change a tape and when I returned, my avatar was dancing.  I sat there and cried for about five minutes.  I could no longer dance in Real Life (RL), but I could dance in SL.

I continued to explore and ultimately got internet at home where I could explore more.  I made friends, learned how to swim and do many other things in SL.  I finally found my life again.  Along my journey I began meeting other people with chronic illness and issues.  There are those who are bed ridden and others who are in wheelchairs.  I have even met three others in SL who have Meniere’s Disease.  It helped at one point when I begin attending a support group in SL for people with chronic illnesses and/or their caretakers.  One thing was certain, we all came into SL for the same reason, to do things that we could no longer do in RL.

I can’t do much in RL that I used to do, but in SL I am thriving.  I own a Celtic Pub where everyone is welcome (as long as they obey the rules) and I host twice a week at a friends jazz and blues club.  I am involved with writing groups and even attend a Writer’s Circle once a week where I read some of my own work.  I recently submitted a poem for a contest in SL and won first place.  I even wrote a short story called The Damsel And The Dragon about why I am in SL and it was published in a SL magazine.

I highly recommend SL to those with Meniere’s Disease or any chronic illness that keeps you from doing the things you love to do.  You can do those things again by using an avatar in SL.  Use this link http://secondlife.com/.  to find your life again, even if it is virtual.  I would still much rather be dancing, hiking and swimming in RL, but for now I will do these things in SL and keep my mind active while meeting new people from around the world and making friends (gaining contacts) in the process.  Don’t let your illness deprive you of your life.

A shot I staged to go with my short story The Damsel And The Dragon

Me dancing with some friends at my pub

Since November 2004, I have been on a wild ride.  I was invaded by a deceitful and utterly spiteful dragon.  Last week I was on the phone with the attorney’s office as my advocate helped me fill out the forms for me to get SSDI.  A lot of the questions related to how my life has changed since the invasion.  As I tried to focus (hard to do since I hadn’t eaten and my ears were going nuts) and answer the questions the best I could, I knew my life has changed, but saying it to someone else to make it official for the records just made it even more real.  Chronic illnesses have a way of changing everything about your life and make things even more difficult.  From walking to brushing my teeth, everything has changed.  I used to be able to walk, chew gum, juggle and carry a conversation at the same time.  I can no longer chew gum and have to stop walking to really carry a conversation.  Juggling, well I struggle just juggling day-to-day living.

Early November 2004, I was beaned in the head by a fastball called Galar Meniere’s.  Now everyday I dodge wild balls while trying to get even a base hit off of the curve balls and change ups that are thrown at me by this dragon.  I still look at it as a roller coaster ride, but the day in and day out of this is kind of like a baseball game.  So far he is winning, but I will play the game through and perhaps one day there will be a home run for all of us when they announce that they can finally answer all the questions that have been around since Prosper Meniere first began researching this disease in the mid 1800′s after it had been plaguing people since at least the 13th century.

Galar

The dragon is back
my ears to claim
his attack is brutal
driving me insane

my ears, they crawl
they burn and ache
I want it to end
for goodness sake

I cannot understand
how a God, so kind
can cause this ill
I’m losing my mind

please, someone
take sword in hand
slay Galar soon
erase him from this land

we are many
Galar seeks out
salt, allergies, weather
can begin our bout

the scientists only
through tests and research
can slay Galar,
remove him from his perch.

PLEASE HELP SOON!!!!

April 8, 2010

© DL Bach

The thoughts for this blog post have been forming for a while, then last night they were coming closer to the surface.  This morning I had a bit of a FaceBook e-mail exchange with another friend and helping to educate her about Meniere’s.  Again, as I was confidently typing my responses to her I couldn’t help but feel so utterly and completely helpless inside.  Sometimes I have to step back and look at myself.  I have the ability to display to the world the most confidence and surety while inside I am falling apart at the seams.  Where do the helpless go to get help and support?  What can we do to sure up the rupturing dams within?

There are some forums on-line and for some of the lucky there are local support groups you can attend in your area.  I have been part of these forums, but there are no local support groups to attend.  I have been approached several times to start one in this area.  However, giving how I feel and knowing it would be common, I believe it would be difficult as we don’t always feel like sitting in a room with others trying to be supportive and therefore we opt to just stay safe and comfortable on our couches and beds.  Sometimes we are supported by spouses, children, parents and others who are there or come over to help out.  I survive on my own.  I have been trying to be supportive of a few others with Meniere’s who need a shoulder and an ear (not that I have much left in the way of ears **insert chuckle here**).    I am glad that I can be here the best I can for anyone who needs me.  Just ask.  If I don’t have the answers I will try to find them or direct to the answers the best I can.

Let me go back to something I mentioned earlier.  Danny Pancy is a gentleman who has Meniere’s Disease.  He is also a photographer.  He put together a 20 minuted DVD to help others understand what we with Meniere’s go through.  The only audio is white noise since we have tinnitus in our ears 24/7.  Mr. Pancy has used his talents as a photographer and the wonderful technology available to distort photos to help display the way we view things.  I have shared this DVD with others so they can better understand.  It helps them feel a little less helpless.  Check out Mr. Pancy’s DVD on his website http://www.shutterfreaks.com/Pancy-Menieres/contact.htm.

For those who have Meniere’s we know there is really know way to feel less helpless when we are in bouts.  For others, those who know us and care about us, staying away is not the way to help us or you feel less helpless.  I know, too well, intimacy with loneliness.  This adds to my stress, but I keep going on knowing it will always be this way for me.  But I plead with others to reach out to those you know with Meniere’s and educate yourself, not for the purpose of trying to ‘fix’ them, but for the sheer purpose of trying to better understand.  Sites like http://www.menieres.org/ and http://www.vestibular.org/ are great sources to start with.  We just want to feel normal and feel like those who cared about us before the dragon invaded are still there for us and still care.  Don’t be afraid just because we can’t do the things we used to be able to do.  There are still other things we can do, like sitting and chatting about life and things in general.  If you treat us differently, especially by disappearing, then to you we become the disease.  Show us that we are still human beings worthy of your time and your friendship.  The helpless feelings may never totally disappear, but they can be diminished in all of us.

I am constantly getting comments from people, usually when I make a post about the pain I am in on Facebook/Twitter, saying I am in their thoughts and prayers.  Generally speaking there is nothing wrong with this.  People think that it helps to bring comfort to those who are ill or in pain.  For some perhaps.  I, however, am over it.  I started spinning again last week.  I haven’t been to the doctor since September due to no income and no insurance.  I scraped the money together and went since I knew something was wrong.  I was scared, nay, terrified.  I had to drive in the snow (since the first snow I drove in was a blizzard, I am always scared driving in snow.  That is coupled with the fear I have driving period since having a vestibular condition) and was severely off balance.  The pain was also hitting me hard.  There was no one to drive me.  When I IMd a friend to let her know (not that she could really do anything since she is in California) she was telling me to have fun in the snow and kind of missed the point of why I was letting her know.

I was anticipating never returning home from that appointment.  My two doctors and the two nurses could see how scared I was.  I got a few hugs and arm rubs from them in an attempt to reassure me.  They had to repeat the procedure to re-insert another grommet into my right ear.  Unless you have had this procedure done, I cannot explain how it feels.  But since I usually scream for the duration, that should be some indication to you. It is during this that I really realize how alone I am.

It is nice to tell someone you are thinking and/or praying for them, even if you are not.  But during these times, it would be really nice to have something or someone other then my stuffed teddy bears to hug and have hold me to reassure me that it will be all right.  Each time I go through this, whether the weather related issues or needing to have the procedure repeated, it strips away more of me.  I have no fight left. I have no strength left to even thing about fighting.  I have come to the conclusion that it takes people really being there for you (not just in word or thought) to help you replenish your will to fight and your faith and belief that what you are fighting can be conquered.  Galar will defeat the damsel in the rewrite of my short story The Damsel And The Dragon.  Meniere’s has won the war.

The third week of June, just one week before my scheduled appointment with my doctor, I decided to relax in bed for a while before getting up to enjoy the Shabbat.  I rolled over on my left side and tucked the pillow up under my neck.  At this point I felt a ‘crunch, crackle and pop’ in my left ear.  I lay perfectly still for a bit, afraid to move, not knowing what was happening.  When I finally sat up my world was spinning.  I had not felt this way since mid October.  I made my way to the couch and pretty much remained there until Monday when I could call the doctor.

Anyone who has Meniere’s or is close to someone with Meniere’s, knows how unpredictable this monster is.  by the time I got in for my Friday appointment, we had determined that I now have a third trigger ~ WEATHER.  Now I fully understand those who refer to themselves as “walking barometers”.  We got new grommets inserted and this time they should last two years.

While I didn’t have issues with the original triggers after the grommets were inserted, I still have minor issues with the weather changes.  It seems that when the weather changes now I get a dull ache deep in my ears and experience some fluttering.  In the beginning of September I was lucky enough to get H1N1.  This proved to have a bad effect on my ears.  I had lots of aching and it seemed my hearing worsened.  When the illness cleared I noticed that I now have constant tinnitus in both my ears instead of just the left ear.  My doctor sternly advised that I not get either versions of the flu again for the remainder of the season. (As if…)

Earlier this week I was getting over what I initially thought was a second round of the flu, but  thankfully, turned out to be Acute Bronchitis instead.  My left ear began doing weird things so I put in a call to my otos nurse.  When she returned my call, we talked.  She reminded me about the weather and advised I take it easy and keep an eye on things and call back if they don’t improve or get worse.  you know, the usual blah, blah, blah.

Everyday we have ups and downs.  Right now it appears that I am on more of a Merry-Go-Round.  For four years I felt as if I was on a very wild roller-coaster.  I HATE roller-coasters, so I am glad I am no longer on that part of this ride.  I will accept being on a Merry-Go-Round with Meniere’s although I wish I could be on a real one instead.  I will continue to research (for now with a clearer head) and write my book while educating anyone and everyone I can about this dragon that invaded my life five years ago.  one day, he will be totally defeated.  Until then, my sword stands ready to fight whenever he comes to prey.