The beginning of September 2008, I set an appointment with my neuro-otologist to have grommets inserted into both of my ears for the purpose of using the Minette Device.  The device would cost me $3500 out of pocket.  At the time this wasn’t a real major issue as I had some money in the bank and could cover it.  However, two weeks after setting the appointment, I was told that ten of the twelve employees at work (including me) would be losing their jobs as of October 31, 2008.  I was devastated and and contemplated not having the procedure.  Friends I discussed this with urged me to go forward with it and if I ran into financial difficulty due to all of it, they would be there for me.

I have always been taught that if you treat others with respect and in a dignified manner then it will be returned to you.  In other words, “You reap what you sow”.I have always done my best to treat others respectfully.  Even those who have done me ill I treat at least cordially.  After all we are all human beings and must get on together to survive on this planet.

Friday, I went for my three month check-up with my Otologist.  He came in with his nurse and nurse practitioner and asked how I was doing.  After a bit of banter I told him that I am still looking for a one-way ticket to Iraq.  a little more banter and he realized I wasn’t joking when I asked him to schedule my autopsy I have been requesting.  He preformed the exam and then I stood there and proceeded to throw a bit of a tantrum.

I know what you are thinking, but put away your visions of a two-year-old pitching a fit.  I don’t scream, yell or stamp my feet (I’d fall down if I tried).  In fact, the worst I have done in recent history was call the workers at Hardee’s a bunch of plebeians.  I went on to say, through a veil of tears, that I am angry, bitter and just plain unhappy.  The trio only watched, listened and tried to answer my questions.  My doctor felt this long over due as well as educational for his green nurse practitioner.

This past weekend I updated my computerized Medial Alert Card (ICE).  While I did this I was prompted to add my Living Will and pulled it up as well as a form to complete my Last Will and Testament.  I went back through the pages of my life as I completed these forms.  I remembered the promises of others along with the promises I made to myself.  It seems all those promises were empty.  I would like to think that those who made those promises to me made them in good conscience.  However, from here, looking back they are empty and without the prospect of ever being filled.

I had dreams for my life.  I wanted to be a wife, mother and ultimately a grandmother.  It was my deepest desire to pass on to my children and grandchildren all I learned from my grandparents.  But in one god-forsaken diagnosis all my dreams were shattered and fell to the ground around my feet.  There is no shoulder for me to cry on.  No arm for me to hold to steady my balance.  I am angry that there is a disease that has no known cause, no known cure and not very much research being done to rectify this.  this leaves me unhappy and alone.  The loneliness has bred bitterness.  If only the promises had not been empty perhaps some dreams would not have shattered.

The third week of June, just one week before my scheduled appointment with my doctor, I decided to relax in bed for a while before getting up to enjoy the Shabbat.  I rolled over on my left side and tucked the pillow up under my neck.  At this point I felt a ‘crunch, crackle and pop’ in my left ear.  I lay perfectly still for a bit, afraid to move, not knowing what was happening.  When I finally sat up my world was spinning.  I had not felt this way since mid October.  I made my way to the couch and pretty much remained there until Monday when I could call the doctor.

Anyone who has Meniere’s or is close to someone with Meniere’s, knows how unpredictable this monster is.  by the time I got in for my Friday appointment, we had determined that I now have a third trigger ~ WEATHER.  Now I fully understand those who refer to themselves as “walking barometers”.  We got new grommets inserted and this time they should last two years.

While I didn’t have issues with the original triggers after the grommets were inserted, I still have minor issues with the weather changes.  It seems that when the weather changes now I get a dull ache deep in my ears and experience some fluttering.  In the beginning of September I was lucky enough to get H1N1.  This proved to have a bad effect on my ears.  I had lots of aching and it seemed my hearing worsened.  When the illness cleared I noticed that I now have constant tinnitus in both my ears instead of just the left ear.  My doctor sternly advised that I not get either versions of the flu again for the remainder of the season. (As if…)

Earlier this week I was getting over what I initially thought was a second round of the flu, but  thankfully, turned out to be Acute Bronchitis instead.  My left ear began doing weird things so I put in a call to my otos nurse.  When she returned my call, we talked.  She reminded me about the weather and advised I take it easy and keep an eye on things and call back if they don’t improve or get worse.  you know, the usual blah, blah, blah.

Everyday we have ups and downs.  Right now it appears that I am on more of a Merry-Go-Round.  For four years I felt as if I was on a very wild roller-coaster.  I HATE roller-coasters, so I am glad I am no longer on that part of this ride.  I will accept being on a Merry-Go-Round with Meniere’s although I wish I could be on a real one instead.  I will continue to research (for now with a clearer head) and write my book while educating anyone and everyone I can about this dragon that invaded my life five years ago.  one day, he will be totally defeated.  Until then, my sword stands ready to fight whenever he comes to prey.