The Damsel Fights Back

The Damsel And The Dragon

On the heels of the Queen’s death and the conjoinment of Prince CuChulainn, Princess Emer and Duchess Ryanne, who were now ruling over of the kingdom, came an influx of new faces migrating to the Islands that are called Lost and blending into the fabric of the kingdom deeply enriching the Flanagan Clan.  One of these fresh faces belonged to a comely damsel.  She walked into Flanagan’s Pub one cold winter evening to attend a festive gathering and to satisfy her curiosity about the Clan and other people in the kingdom.

Putting on a name tag that simply read “Parker” she returned greetings with all the confidence and stability of a newborn kitten.  Parker was careful not to make eye contact with any one, but remained on the sidelines watching in wonder and awe.  The crowd was dense and she knew no one in the room.  Slowly she meandered around the perimeter of the amazing ornately plain room.  She studied with care the textures and moldings that would make this ballroom come alive even if no one was present.

Stepping through a side door the damsel had her breath taken away.  She was in the original part of the pub and found herself reaching out and touching the smallest details with tender fingertips.  Studying the richness of every crease and crevice, Parker lost all track of time.  She allowed the music wafting in from the outer ballroom to lull her further into a mesmerizing trance that propelled her into the speculation of the history of the fine craftsmanship enveloping her.  While her fingers ran along the ivory keys of the piano she did not realize her solitude had ended.

As she caressed the handiwork all around her, Parker was unaware of eyes studying her.  She jumped at the greeting bestowed from behind.  Turning toward the door, Parker was face-to-face with Prince CuChulainn and returned his greeting apologizing if she had entered a room not open to the public.  The prince assured her that all rooms were opened for exploration.  He went on to apologize for interrupting her reverie but explained that he was not given to crowds and much preferred smaller gatherings.

The pair chatted for a while then the prince went into a detailed history of the pub.  Lovingly he explained how the queen had desired such a place for the Clan and all those in the kingdom to come together.  Parker drank in every historical notation accounting the construction and dedication of the pub, its ballrooms and gardens.  She did not want to miss one iota.  The more the prince talked the deeper the damsel drifted into the manifestations that are the Flanagan Clan.  In the same reality the deeper the prince took Parker’s thoughts into his recitations, the further she went from the nightmare in her own world.

One cold winter night in the warmth of a cozy pub, a friendship was formed between two unlikely souls.  Parker and the prince would spend hours together talking and sharing their thoughts and their joys.  Enthusiastically the pair explored various parts of the kingdom and enjoyed the richness and beauty therein.  But, always close in the damsel’s conscience was the battle looming that she fought every day.  Wanting to enjoy every blissful moment, the damsel knew she could not reveal to anyone in the kingdom (least of all the prince) that a dragon had come to claim her and threw her into a vicious battle that she fought alone in her own world.

Years before, without warning, Galar entered the damsel’s life.  At first she did not think the dragon powerful and venomous.  Time proved her wrong.  However, knowing his strength would not have given Parker any foothold to banish him from her life for good.  In the beginning Parker did not know what she was fighting and knew even less about how to fight dragons.  Instead of fighting, the fair damsel gave up and ran away looking to find replacements for all that Galar had stolen from her.  In her apparent flight from reality, Parker found herself continually on the Islands that are called Lost and enjoying the companionship of a prince.

Day after day the sweet damsel entered what she called her fairytale life.  It was there that she could be herself again, be whole.  In her fairytale life she could run and dance and even spread her arms to fly.  There, Parker could control her own life and not be concerned with Galar looming behind rocks or lurking in caves waiting for a chance to spring, talons extended and deliver more crippling blows to her already fragile body.

In the fairytale land of the Islands that are called Lost, Galar dared not enter, but the moment Parker would step out of the fantasy, away from the beauty of the land and the companionship of her princely friend, Galar was waiting.  His hot breath steaming through flared nostrils would cause her head to spin.  Galar is a sneaky dragon and does not fight fair.  He has a way of leaving his prey alone and just watching, waiting for just the moment that the intended victim would feel confident that he was finally gone and would plague them no more.  Then at just the perfect moment Galar would extend his talons and use the full force of his mighty arm to knock the victim off their feet and leave the poor soul laying there writhing in pain.

One day, in the early spring of friendships blossom, a messenger arrived while Parker and CuChulainn were exploring gardens on the far side of the kingdom.  Parker watched helplessly as news delivered to the prince that a knight, who was closer to him than a brother, had been murdered by a dragon.  It was speculated that this dragon was of the same nest as the one which claimed the queen and another knight who was a boyhood friend of the prince.  In his grief the prince ran off for the palace leaving the damsel to stand shivering with worry.

Parker return to her home and watched the day the prince rode off on his steed to hunt down the dragon which dared to enter the kingdom and take the life of one so loyal as Sir Jeff.  Parker waved as CuChulainn rode by, but still buried in his grief the prince did not see his friend.  In her heart of hearts, Parker knew she would never again spend time with the one who had given her many hours of relief from Galar.  Demurely patting away the tears rolling down her cheeks with her lace handkerchief, she slowly turned and walked back into her home.  Her reality.  Her own personal battleground.

Deep concern for the prince allowed Galar another entrance into Parker’s world.  She was already weakened from previous battles with her fierce enemy.  Now, her heart broken, Galar wasted no time hurling his fiery darts in just the right places to send Parker crumbling to the ground.  There was no one there to catch Parker as she fell and no one to help her fight this dragon she did not understand.  Now, she no longer had any one to help her escape his relentless torment even for the briefest of time.

One brisk autumn day, lying in a sea of her own tears, Parker found herself curled up like a kitten shivering in pain and fear.  Slowly, she pulled herself up.  For the moment Galar did not appear to be around.  Tattered and scarred, the once fair damsel knew in fractured clarity that she needed to fight back.  After bathing, Parker put on fresh clothes and went in search of a friend.  Stepping back into her fairytale world she reacquainted herself with others she had enjoyed the company of in time long since reverted to memory.  Spending time in her fairytale land with acquaintances she felt comfort that she hadn’t felt since her time with the prince.  Once again, Parker had found an escape for brief interludes from Galar’s ferocious attacks.

Slowly, the damsel regained the resilience she knew before Galar entered her life and wreaked havoc.  As she felt surer of her footing she also found herself trusting.  She began to share information of her battles with those who had taken her in as family and friend.  Neither the Flanagan Clan nor the royals had fully accepted her, save the prince alone.  She was a commoner and not a clansman therefore, they could never have fully accepted her.  However, in a quaint little village known as the Bee Hive Township, there were those who offered hands to hold and arms to lean on whenever Parker was weary from her battles’ rage.

Seven souls welcomed Parker into their world and in return she began to trust their strength and learned to use it during the ensuing skirmishes with Galar.  Even the times that Galar would have the upper hand, Parker knew she was not alone.  There were seven angels who were each in their own way, there to catch her or to help her tend her wounds.  Over time, in the fortitude of a few, Parker found herself winning the battles more and more.  Galar turned his attention from the damsel with the help of a gentle wizard who truly knew how to fend him off.

Parker would return to the Islands that are called Lost from time to time and continued to be concerned for the prince.  However, CuChulainn faced his own dragon and the sweet damsel held vigil against hers.  The season’s changed as they always do, but Parker could now stand in both her fairytale world and her real world with trust in her heart with the weapons of friendship and love to wield whenever Galar came to prey.  Deep within the damsel knew this dragon would never go away.  But then again, neither will friendships found so true.

June 19, 2009

© DL Bach

**DISCLAIMER – The characters in this story are people in Second Life.  I am not, in any way, attempting to mock or do harm to any deities.  The people chose their own names and I just wrote my story.

I spent last night in and out of sleep.  When I was out of sleep I was thinking about everything that still has to be done.  I woke up thinking about this post.

There are those who will wonder why I didn’t come to them with all of this.  Well, how could I bring you my tears when you didn’t want to share in my laughter?  In my life I have had one thing in my heart that I have striven to bring forth to the world in my meager words and that is peace through understanding and acceptance.  The world has not listened.  My heart is not to be heard.  The world is not ready to hear what is in my heart, for it would rather hold onto its anger and hatred.

Perhaps in my next life, the world will be ready to hear what is in my heart.  I believe that the intent of the heart follows you into your next life, so perhaps I have been trying to get the world to hear my heart for generations.  Not this life, but hopefully the next.  If you desire to me honor after I am gone, then remember the message of my heart and learn to accept others no matter the differences and understand that everyone is a human being above all else.

True peace will come when people move beyond the fears of what is different and accept everyone as individual human beings without the anger and hatred that continues to bind this world through ignorance.

I was in IM with someone a couple weeks ago whom I have only recently made acquaintance with.  I inadvertently mentioned that I will be dying in July.  (My last post in this blog was my letter of resignation from life explaining the July date)  We began discussing this and she too, started questioning in a manner that expressed I was in a depression.  Perhaps I do have some depression due to my circumstances, I think mostly I have this due to two things:  loneliness and just being tired of fighting this dragon.

I was in IM with a 20-something later who was diagnosed with MS last month and has only had symptoms for about two months.  She has her mother waiting for her to come home to Scotland in a few months and will have her admitted to the hospital to begin treatments.  She constantly complains that she can no longer type as well as she used to on her computer.  I suggested  computer-based voice program so all she has to do is speak into the microphone and the words are typed then she can go back and fine-tune the piece.  She whined that that would be even more difficult and just complained about her pain.  She is working on an in depth project that was due to be completed last year well before her symptoms began.  She asked my advice if she should tell the person she has MS and that is why she is having difficulty completing the project.  Every time she hits a wall with anything she asks if she should e-mail the person and tell them she has MS.  I keep telling her not to.  She seems to want to use her illness as an excuse for everything even if the illness isn’t to blame.

This young woman and I were in Blackberry IM again one night and she averred that she hates MS and wants to die.  I gave her advice from one who has been living with a chronic illness for over six years now.  She has a family who cares about her and is trying to help her with this difficult diagnosis.  She has every reason to live especially since they have found this illness and diagnosed it early.  My ears were hurting and all I wanted to do was lay down with my heating pad and try to relieve my own pain.  I excused myself from the conversation after giving her some sound advice to work with her doctors.

Upon laying down with my heating pad I pondered the recent conversation with this young woman and the one I had that morning with the other recent acquaintance.  I do not want to die because I am depressed.  The fact is I do not want to die at all.  Death is the only option I have right now.  I could have a drop attack (DA) as I did yesterday and hit my head or something and die.  Or worse, have a DA while in the shower and most assuredly die.  If this happens then no one would know I was gone for at least a month when I don’t pay my rent.  By that time no one will be able to use any of my organs, nor would my body be viable for research of any kind.  If I plan, however, more people could be helped as a result of my death.

No, it isn’t dark here, I do not want to die.  This is just the best option for me right now.  If there is a cure to come along, or a good treatment then I will accept that and continue.

I established a bucket list of sorts as my new year resolution this past January.  It will go undone as no one seemed to care enough to want to help me when I sent out a plea.  I have been screaming for help for a long time now and no one gets it.  I sit and listen to the ills that everyone else has but when I even attempt to say how I feel I am either turned away or told just to get over and go on.  I know others have their issues and they deserve to have their say and I respect that and let them talk whilst I listen.  I would never take that away from another human being.  I will continue to listen, but never again will I attempt to confide in you or trouble you with how I feel.

When my grandfather and step-grandmother died, so did the last of the love I ever truly received.   My beloved best friend Sissy had dubbed me Miss Independent not long after we became friends.  My greatest strength and my greatest weakness were always one and the same, my independence.  When I have in the past few years made known my needs, they weren’t filled.  I kept writing about it in my blogs and as posts on FaceBook, but no one ever tried to reach out and help ease the pain.  I will say this one last time, LONELINESS KILLS. I find it fascinating that none of the so-called Christians nor Messianic believers I know in this area could reach out to me and yet when I voice my feelings all they can do is preach at me and I am supposed to accept it.  I seem to recall a passage in the scriptures that talks about the Messiah separating the sheep and the goats and the goats question the Messiah when he says they never came to visit him when he was sick or in prison.  “When you have done it to the least of one of these…”

If anyone is actually reading this, you may have questioned the date.  Well I thought it would be fitting to exit this world the same day I entered it.  I am an organ donor and to my belief the only organ that will most assuredly not be able to be used will be my lungs (asthma is a harsh way to go, but the best for helping more people live).  I have my will and living will in tact with all my wishes specified and will have a hard copy of each signed and notarized prior to my departure as I will lay them on the in-take desk at the emergency room when I arrive.

Since I have been nothing more than an afterthought in life, I hope that I will be just as important to everyone in death.  If you feel guilt after I am gone, I hope it is excruciating.  I feel people only experience guilt IF they have something to be guilty for.  Shed no tears for me after I am gone as you did not want to even share laughter with me while I was here.

It has been a very long run, but it is time for the curtain to come down on this joke of a show.  I thank you for the abuse and all the ways you only used me.  I do hope you will not find anyone else to treat this way.  I only wanted peace in the world and for people to just accept each other and not try to shove their own ways and beliefs down other peoples throats.  Perhaps I was undeserving of love because I am substandard in every way, but please love every human being as if they are your closest kin.

Yes, I put a warning at the beginning of this post.  There are so many people who believe that every person with Meniere’s is the same.  What you are about to read is what it is like for me on a good day.  This could perhaps be a really bad day for someone else you know or a day that others could dream of having as a good day.  Those who have known me since before I got sick expect me to be the same independent, vibrant go-getter that I used to be.  Well, I hope after reading this you will understand why I can’t leave my apartment when it snows or there is ice.

Since last spring I have been fighting to get disability.  It seemed no one wanted to listen to me or take the time to really help me through this struggle.  Even my attorney’s didn’t want to be bothered with finding out what was really going on.  Finally, in the last leg of this race I was able to speak to a supervisor in the attorney’s office and made him listen to what I had to say.  The following is basically what I said to him and have been using ever since.

If you want to know first hand what it is like to experience one of my good days, and keep in mind this is a GOOD day, take your iPod and load it with  the sound of a kazzillion crickets   ATA_Tinnitus_Buzzing_Tone.  Place the ear buds snugly into your ears.  This will diminish your hearing, so make sure they are nice and snug.  Then turn up the volume and leave it on 24/7.  Then drink a six-pack of beer.  Or if you prefer a few shots of tequila or a couple glasses of wine.  Drink as much and whatever it takes for you to become inebriated.  Not fall-down drunk, but where you are off balance and staggering.  Now go about your day.

Yes, I walk around feeling intoxicated and staggering.  No, I do not have the pleasure of imbibing to get that way.  Any questions?

In February 2007, I was at home watching the Law & Order: SVU episode where they were looking for a person who was involved in a virtual reality world called “Another Universe”.  This gave me an idea.  I found that Another Universe is fictitious, however there is another virtual reality world that was alive and well called Second Life (later in 2007 Second Life (SL) would be depicted on CSI).  I had my laptop at work and created an avatar and entered the world.  Due to not having internet at home at the time and issues with my laptop I did not make it off Orientation Island.  I put SL aside and went on with my life.  In the midst of Meniere’s I dealt with the death of my father and a treatment that took away my immune system and left me fighting colds and infections.

October 2007 I watched the CSI episode involving SL and was reminded of my failed attempt at entering that world.  I couldn’t recall my avatar’s name and password.  So I created a new avatar and called her Parker Janick (Parky).  I made it into SL this time and began exploring.  I would spend my free time at work in SL (I worked nights at a television station and was all alone there)  During my exploration I was clicking things and not knowing what I was doing things would happen.  One time I clicked something and received a blue box and clicked yes.  I then went to change a tape and when I returned, my avatar was dancing.  I sat there and cried for about five minutes.  I could no longer dance in Real Life (RL), but I could dance in SL.

I continued to explore and ultimately got internet at home where I could explore more.  I made friends, learned how to swim and do many other things in SL.  I finally found my life again.  Along my journey I began meeting other people with chronic illness and issues.  There are those who are bed ridden and others who are in wheelchairs.  I have even met three others in SL who have Meniere’s Disease.  It helped at one point when I begin attending a support group in SL for people with chronic illnesses and/or their caretakers.  One thing was certain, we all came into SL for the same reason, to do things that we could no longer do in RL.

I can’t do much in RL that I used to do, but in SL I am thriving.  I own a Celtic Pub where everyone is welcome (as long as they obey the rules) and I host twice a week at a friends jazz and blues club.  I am involved with writing groups and even attend a Writer’s Circle once a week where I read some of my own work.  I recently submitted a poem for a contest in SL and won first place.  I even wrote a short story called The Damsel And The Dragon about why I am in SL and it was published in a SL magazine.

I highly recommend SL to those with Meniere’s Disease or any chronic illness that keeps you from doing the things you love to do.  You can do those things again by using an avatar in SL.  Use this link http://secondlife.com/.  to find your life again, even if it is virtual.  I would still much rather be dancing, hiking and swimming in RL, but for now I will do these things in SL and keep my mind active while meeting new people from around the world and making friends (gaining contacts) in the process.  Don’t let your illness deprive you of your life.

A shot I staged to go with my short story The Damsel And The Dragon

Me dancing with some friends at my pub

The beginning of September 2008, I set an appointment with my neuro-otologist to have grommets inserted into both of my ears for the purpose of using the Minette Device.  The device would cost me $3500 out of pocket.  At the time this wasn’t a real major issue as I had some money in the bank and could cover it.  However, two weeks after setting the appointment, I was told that ten of the twelve employees at work (including me) would be losing their jobs as of October 31, 2008.  I was devastated and and contemplated not having the procedure.  Friends I discussed this with urged me to go forward with it and if I ran into financial difficulty due to all of it, they would be there for me.

I have always been taught that if you treat others with respect and in a dignified manner then it will be returned to you.  In other words, “You reap what you sow”.I have always done my best to treat others respectfully.  Even those who have done me ill I treat at least cordially.  After all we are all human beings and must get on together to survive on this planet.

Friday, I went for my three month check-up with my Otologist.  He came in with his nurse and nurse practitioner and asked how I was doing.  After a bit of banter I told him that I am still looking for a one-way ticket to Iraq.  a little more banter and he realized I wasn’t joking when I asked him to schedule my autopsy I have been requesting.  He preformed the exam and then I stood there and proceeded to throw a bit of a tantrum.

I know what you are thinking, but put away your visions of a two-year-old pitching a fit.  I don’t scream, yell or stamp my feet (I’d fall down if I tried).  In fact, the worst I have done in recent history was call the workers at Hardee’s a bunch of plebeians.  I went on to say, through a veil of tears, that I am angry, bitter and just plain unhappy.  The trio only watched, listened and tried to answer my questions.  My doctor felt this long over due as well as educational for his green nurse practitioner.

This past weekend I updated my computerized Medial Alert Card (ICE).  While I did this I was prompted to add my Living Will and pulled it up as well as a form to complete my Last Will and Testament.  I went back through the pages of my life as I completed these forms.  I remembered the promises of others along with the promises I made to myself.  It seems all those promises were empty.  I would like to think that those who made those promises to me made them in good conscience.  However, from here, looking back they are empty and without the prospect of ever being filled.

I had dreams for my life.  I wanted to be a wife, mother and ultimately a grandmother.  It was my deepest desire to pass on to my children and grandchildren all I learned from my grandparents.  But in one god-forsaken diagnosis all my dreams were shattered and fell to the ground around my feet.  There is no shoulder for me to cry on.  No arm for me to hold to steady my balance.  I am angry that there is a disease that has no known cause, no known cure and not very much research being done to rectify this.  this leaves me unhappy and alone.  The loneliness has bred bitterness.  If only the promises had not been empty perhaps some dreams would not have shattered.

If you live in the Knoxville area you know how much rain  (filled in with bits of snow here and there) we have had since December.  I gave up using umbrellas after being introduced to Meniere’s Disease.  You take a physically off balanced person and give them an umbrella, let a gust of wind come along and the result is Mary Poppins flying up the highway.  Getting wet is a better option.  Last June when my original grommets fell out, not only did I spin again for the first time in eight months, but I also gained a new trigger ~ the weather.  I really felt for those with Meniere’s who called themselves walking barometers, but honestly I hadn’t a clue what they actually went through.  Guess someone felt I should have first hand knowledge.  With all the rain and snow we have had, I have gotten to know my couch very intimately.

The incoming storm already has my ears going crazy

Sometimes I think I feel weather fronts moving in 100 miles away.  I can feel my ears crawling and start with a deep ache and look outside to see bright sunny skies.  However, by the time the front moves in, I am in so much pain from both my ears that I have a pounding headache to go with it and I am laying on the couch with the heating pad on my ears.  If I had to choose between this and having full vertigo at least once a month, I would choose my current situation.

I haven’t been able to afford to see my doctor regularly as he desires since I have no medical insurance and no regular income.  However, a couple months ago I was sitting on the couch with my laptop doing my usually Shabbat routine when all of a sudden the room began to spin.  It was all I could do to set the computer aside and lay down on the couch and remain still for a couple hours till it passed.  I knew I had to scrape the money together to go see the doctor.  I went in on a snowy/sleety/rainy day with the hopes that it was just a blockage that could be fixed with drops or suction.  My hopes quickly turned to tears when he said that the grommet in my right ear was dislodged with debris around it indicating blockage.  He couldn’t be sure about the left side so I had to have a pressure test run to detect the status of my eardrums.

I sat and cried.   When I was taken for the test, I walked through the hall clinging to the wall and crying.  It was determined that the right eardrum was closed over but we could not be sure that wax and debris had not gotten behind it to cause infection.  The left ear and grommet were intact and did not appear to be blocked.  I still cried.  I cried in part because I knew how much it would hurt to have the grommet procedure repeated and then it would take several days for me to get back to doing well.  The other reason I cried was recalling that it cost near $400 to have the grommets inserted last June.  I don’t have that kind of money.  One good thing was that it was found after reopening my right eardrum the doctor found that there was no debris, wax or moisture that got behind the eardrum to cause infection.  I have been caught in an eddy of pain and tears for  five months.  Hopefully now I can begin to maneuver out of the area and toward shallow waters if not the embankment.

The rain loves to wreak havoc on my ears and my head

Since November 2004, I have been on a wild ride.  I was invaded by a deceitful and utterly spiteful dragon.  Last week I was on the phone with the attorney’s office as my advocate helped me fill out the forms for me to get SSDI.  A lot of the questions related to how my life has changed since the invasion.  As I tried to focus (hard to do since I hadn’t eaten and my ears were going nuts) and answer the questions the best I could, I knew my life has changed, but saying it to someone else to make it official for the records just made it even more real.  Chronic illnesses have a way of changing everything about your life and make things even more difficult.  From walking to brushing my teeth, everything has changed.  I used to be able to walk, chew gum, juggle and carry a conversation at the same time.  I can no longer chew gum and have to stop walking to really carry a conversation.  Juggling, well I struggle just juggling day-to-day living.

Early November 2004, I was beaned in the head by a fastball called Galar Meniere’s.  Now everyday I dodge wild balls while trying to get even a base hit off of the curve balls and change ups that are thrown at me by this dragon.  I still look at it as a roller coaster ride, but the day in and day out of this is kind of like a baseball game.  So far he is winning, but I will play the game through and perhaps one day there will be a home run for all of us when they announce that they can finally answer all the questions that have been around since Prosper Meniere first began researching this disease in the mid 1800′s after it had been plaguing people since at least the 13th century.