I spent last night in and out of sleep.  When I was out of sleep I was thinking about everything that still has to be done.  I woke up thinking about this post.

There are those who will wonder why I didn’t come to them with all of this.  Well, how could I bring you my tears when you didn’t want to share in my laughter?  In my life I have had one thing in my heart that I have striven to bring forth to the world in my meager words and that is peace through understanding and acceptance.  The world has not listened.  My heart is not to be heard.  The world is not ready to hear what is in my heart, for it would rather hold onto its anger and hatred.

Perhaps in my next life, the world will be ready to hear what is in my heart.  I believe that the intent of the heart follows you into your next life, so perhaps I have been trying to get the world to hear my heart for generations.  Not this life, but hopefully the next.  If you desire to me honor after I am gone, then remember the message of my heart and learn to accept others no matter the differences and understand that everyone is a human being above all else.

True peace will come when people move beyond the fears of what is different and accept everyone as individual human beings without the anger and hatred that continues to bind this world through ignorance.

I have not always been in agreement with the ones who have occupied the White House in DC, but I have respected them for being the President.  I vote and I vote in every election.  Since I was 18 years old and first registered to vote, the only elections I have not voted in were when I was ill and could not get to the polls or the time I moved and didn’t make it to register in time.  I can count on one hand the number of elections I have not voted in.  What gets me is the most noise and lam blasting comes form those who do not vote.  I don’t think anyone should have the right to voice their opinions if they are not willing to get out there and vote.   Another thing about me when I voice my opinion, is that I do my research first.

I don’t just come in here and start spouting off (except this time) unless I have first researched what I am about to say in order to get my facts straight.  When I wrote my initial posts regarding the health care reform bill, I read all that I could find in print of what Mr. Obama said about it.  Then before I wrote my next post, I actually took the time to read the bill (most of the politicians voting on it never read it.  They just read the Cliff-notes).  I am still re-reading the bill in order to write my follow-up post since the bill was signed in.

Right now there is a lot of protesting going on in Arizona claiming that the Governor signed a law legalizing racial profiling.  Of course she didn’t do this, but some  feel this law which is getting tougher on illegal immigrants will cause undo racial profiling.  I have had a fascination with history since I was old enough to hear about it and retain what I was hearing.  There has been racial profiling since before there was a United States and a US government.  There has been profiling against Native Americans, Black Americans, Asian Americans, German Americans, Jewish Americans, Arab Americans, Mexican Americans and the list goes on.  Racial profiling is a fact of life all over the world.

Back to the reason for this post.  One thing that caught my eye was the last line of this spammers post and how they post on internet forums regarding how “SOCIALISM in medicine is BAD because the government can’t do anything right.”  This is the line which struck a nerve with me.  While no government is perfect, you can’t say that the government can’t do anything right.  If any government failed at doing anything right, then the country would cease to exist.  I may dislike many things about the United States government, but it does have many good qualities.  We have come so very far in many respects from our humble beginnings.  However, I also believe that there are some areas where we have not improved at all and in fact have digressed and even regressed.  If you are so very unhappy you have many options.  You can move to another country for starters.  Or you can shut your mouth and run for office to make changes in the laws.  At the very least you can shut your mouth and get off your bum to vote.

Having now been in office for 13 months it appears Mr. Obama’s approval ratings have been waning.  I have not conducted any scientific polls, nor have I spent an exuberant amount of time researching polls that have been conducted.  However, I can speculate as to the reasons.  All I really know is my own thoughts and feelings regarding the Commander-In-Chief.

I saw some of the interview that was done on CBS This Morning with Mrs. Obama.  If she was in earnest with her answers to the personal questions posed, then it would seen that Mr. Obama is trying to keep his personal family life real and intact.  This is admirable and should be applauded instead of  disparaged.  I send many kudos to anyone who can work in a public office and maintain as close to normal a family life as is possible for the situation.  Well done.

Personally, I watched eagerly from the first moment during the election as Mr. Obama began to push forth his on-going plea for health care reform (this started for him long before he began his run for the presidency).   Having a chronic illness, I know the cost of health insurance and how rates go up because you have to visit the doctor more than you used to.  Then I lost my job in October 2008 and learned the hard way the feeling of being turned down for insurance due to a chronic illness and finding prices so outrageous I couldn’t have afforded them with a good income, much less unemployment income.  As time went on I continued to watch.  I did not give in to the hype being lodged against the president by members of congress and senate.  I listened to Mr. Obama’s words.  It was his own words while addressing the Senate in September that turned my thoughts against the health care reform.  You can read my thoughts about that in a previous post.

Another issue that I believe has gone against Mr. Obama is his winning of the Nobel Peace Prize in December 2009.  Less then one year in office and he won the Nobel Peace Prize.  I wondered what he did to EARN it other than the fact that he has black skin and was elected as President of the US.  In his speech he acknowledged the fact that he had not fully earned the honor (indicating he feels he has begun to earn it) but in the same respect he did nothing to turn it down and have it given to someone who has truly earned it.

So what kind of a Commander-In-Chief is President Obama?  He can make speeches that are pretty and well written (credit goes to his speech writers).   He accepted a Nobel Peace prize he did not earn.  He has given indication he wants to bring our troops home (can’t do this completely as we have too many military facilities around the world in countries we have no business being in).  He wants to close Guantanamo Bay installations.  It seems however, he has one main focus for his time in office ~  health care reform bill.  He wants it the way he wants it and doesn’t care about how it will have an ill effect on the the majority of the United States.  This makes me wonder what his real agenda is.  Who will really benefit from this bill as he wants it passed?  My money is on the rich healthy people.  The Commander-In-Chief should have more on his mind for this country than one bill which is not a benefit to the country as a whole.  Perhaps if he broadens his vision his approval rating will rise again and not just because of the color of his skin, but because he is really making a difference.

My background in psychology gave me the insight to see what was going on, however, I still felt powerless to the forces within.  A few of my on-line friends cornered me in an attempt to learn what was going on.  I talked a bit.  Then the next day still feeling very overwhelmed I was cornered by another on-line friend who isn’t as close to my inner-circle, and using MSN voice chat she read me the riot act and we talked more candidly.  I cried so much there wasn’t one dry spot on my handkerchief.  I told her that I believed the real issue to be my 16 month unemployment and diminished bank account compounded by a chronic illness.

After my four hour conversation with this person I ended up in a chat with one from my inner-circle.  Mostly superficial on my part, but I told her that I promised not to even talk about booking a one-way flight to Iraq for myself.  I then received an e-mail from a new friend that an old friend has been trying to introduce me to for nearly a year.  I set it up and we began to chat in MSN and the mutual friend began IMing me in YIM at the same time my cousin IMd me in Skype.  I was too focused on keeping my conversations straight to even acknowledge the overwhelming feelings within.

I spent a couple hours with a handful of my inner-circle last night in Second Life.  I stayed up a wee past my bedtime last night pondering things and for the first time in days I didn’t cry myself to sleep.  I am still unemployed.  My bank account is still empty.  I still have a chronic illness and I am still alone.  I woke up this morning considering everything.  I remember the other day feeling so bad I went on line and typed something (I can’t recall now what I typed) into a Google search.  The result was a website linked to the suicide hot-line.  I sat there and looked at the site and scrolled through.  It kept saying that if you were in immanent danger to call the number.  Being too cowardice I knew I wasn’t in that kind of danger and there are others more in need so I just looked at the screen.  Finally, I closed the browser and played backgammon against my computer.

I am not one to wear my heart on my sleeve and don’t go around telling everyone how sad I am.  This post and the last are exceedingly difficult.  However, I feel it needs to be said as I am sure there are others out there like me who may need encouragement or just validation that they are not alone.  What occurred to me this morning was how wrong I was in what I deduced yesterday.  The things that I thought were causing my issues were the aggravaters.   My real problem is loneliness.  It has been weeks since I have felt the human touch.  No hugs, no kisses, not even a handshake or the unintentional brushing up against someone not watching where they are walking in the market.  There is no one here for me to talk to when I am having a bad day or get stressed out because my balance is off.

Yes, there are those that would say right now, “Well, you could call me”.  I have called people or IMd them on-line with the intent of talking to them but I end up sitting and listening to them go on about their issues or they give me the feeling that they are too busy to take time for me.  I oblige and listen or let them go so they could continue with what they were doing.  Then I go off by myself.

The suicide rate increases during the winter months.  Holiday time it is the absence of loved ones who have passed away.  The cold weather sends us indoors where we are locked away from the rest of the world and when you live alone, that can be devastating.  It is this separation from other people that can drive someone, even someone with intelligence and education, to consider ridding the world of their life.

I have not just been considering my own situation, I have been trying to see the other side as well.  I am an isolationist, I try to cope by shutting myself off from everyone as I feel they do not need to be bothered with my issues.  I know this is wrong, but it is all I know.  So what should the ones who care about you do?  How can they know when you aren’t one to broadcast (how I envy those people who can make things known)?  A lot of times people get so busy with their own lives and their inner-circle that they forget about others they know who may be lonely.  Those who know me, know I am unemployed and that I have a chronic illness that prevents me from doing a lot of things.  There are times that I would love to take a walk in the park and make mention of it, but there is no one there to go with me, so I can’t go.

If you know someone who is pretty much cut off, then give them a call or drop them an e-mail.  Stop by and not just because you are in the neighborhood.  It will make a big impact if you go out of your way because you want to see them.  Let them know you want to spend time with them just talking, not about their situation, but as a friend the way you have done many times in the past.  Offer to go for a walk with them.  Just reach out and touch someone don’t just think about them and later when you happen to see them or talk to them tell them you think about them and pray for them all the time.   Those are nice words, but they don’t help to heal the real problem ~ Loneliness.  You don’t need to ask them what you can do for them, they probably won’t tell you.   But just be a friend and give them the one thing they crave more than anything in the world, your time and you.

Ms. Carlson wants to see the entire bill go through so she will not be denied health care.  I sent her a note via her website.  I spelled out how she is wrong.  This is a selfish act on her part.  I believe that she is aware of this.  She keeps stating this is all fer HER to be able to get benefits.  She does not have other people in mind as she sets out on her talk show arena.  I have blogged in the past about this health care reform bill.  I have read more of it than the politicians we are relying on to vote on our behalf.  The only good thing in the bill as it is written is the section that will make it illegal for insurance companies to deny someone benefits due to a pre-existing condition.  However, Ms. Carlson does not take into consideration that this bill will force everyone to buy insurance even if they cannot afford it.  Yes, there will be some allowance, but they are not very good ones.

In order for this to work, the government needs to revamp many areas, including the Americans with Disabilities Act.  President Obama has had one goal since running for office ~ Health Care Reform.  I watched him and listened to him as I was in favor of this myself.  I did not give into the belief that his reform would bring about euthanasia.  I did not listen to anyone but Mr. Obama.  Unfortunately, it was his words during his address to the Senate in September that turned me against his bill.  He is in a hurry to get this through in order to help a few people he has been trying to help since he first went into politics.  However, he too has missed the big picture, the helping of ALL Americans.  Until all Americans, or at least the largest population of Americans can benefit, this bill needs to be rewritten.  Doctors can increase their costs for people without insurance while charging insurance companies the minimal.  Alcoholics can get disability when alcoholism is their only disability, but people with heart disease and Meniere’s Disease cannot.  This is not a perfect country and the government only wants to put a coat of paint on a decaying wall.

Not long ago I was watching a crime drama on television.  Before this girl went missing and was ultimately found dead, she reached out to an FBI agent that she remembered due to his kindness towards her.  Alas, the FBI agent, through the entire show, could not remember her.  She had been, after all, a lowly receptionist where he used to work.  In other words, a nobody.  While the agent never remembered her, he did try to change his ways at the end to be more aware and more mindful of those who were seemingly of less importance.

In my dream last night, the part I remember most, an older woman had passed away.  Another woman, who turned out to be her daughter, read off a list of the dead woman’s accomplishments.  I felt impressed by all she had done.  However, the orator stopped abruptly without finishing and blurted out, “In other words, a nobody”.  I snapped my head up and snatched the paper away and reprimanded, “No, she WAS somebody”.  Then, as I began to berate the daughter, I woke up.

What makes one person more valuable than another?

Why should one race, religion or nationality be more vital than any other?

Every person, every human being IS somebody!

Just because one cleans toilets for a living while another lives off his trust-fund, doesn’t make either less important.  Just because one owns many multimillion dollar homes and businesses while another lives on the streets and scrounges for food,  does not make either more of a person.

I once heard a story that Donald Trump was in his limousine when it got a flat tire in a rain storm.  A passer-by changed the tire and Mr. Trump wanted to repay him.  The man left his business card and only asked that Mr. Trump send his wife a dozen roses.  However, the “generous” Mr. Trump sent her dozens of roses and paid off the man’s mortgage.  Whether or not this tale is true, I don’t know.  But I wonder, does Mr. Trump even know anything about the people who clean his toilets everyday?  Or are they faceless nobodies to him?

No, this is not a bash against Mr. Sinatra nor Mr. Trump.  Due to illness I sit in my home pretty much all day, every day.  The only “human” contact I have is on the internet.  People do not drop by nor call just to chat.  To them, I suppose, I am just an unemployed nobody not worthy of the time in their busy day.  But that’s okay.  Think about all the people you encounter every day.  Office workers you hardly glance at as they rush by on their way to the lunchroom.  The receptionist who manages so much for you, you don’t know about.  The person on the street you bump into while trying to talk on your cellphone.  Nobodies to you, but somebody who is just as important as you think you are.

I finally began looking at things with open eyes (after using my already soaked handkerchief to dry my eyes).  I knew that due to my health I would not be able to get another regular job until I could regain more of my stamina lost from my chronic illness.  I also watched the unemployment numbers soar both locally as well as nationally.  To say I was scared is an understatement.  I had already considered the possibility of my needing to do freelance writing as my physical condition worsened.  But I never anticipated being thrown into it.  I mustered every ounce of focus I could to put things together.  I began by making the decision to start my own business and become a freelance writer.  I then set about reading and studying and putting money into the things I would need to help me along the way.  I even went to a writer’s conference in New York City (Oy vey, what a trip).  Some writer friends shared links to sites where they bid for jobs.

I took an online career test to help me figure out my direction.  The test determined I should be a writer or work in a museum.  I thought, why not put them together and write about museums and historical events.  I laid it all out in my head and then on paper.  I knew the types of magazines and publications I could submit to.  I bought a small camera outfit to add photos to my work for better sales opportunities.  With the help of a friend (the best graphic designer any where.  Just check out my website and other blogs to see her work) I set up my website to begin “pimping” myself out.   I was going in the right direction.  Then I came to a screeching halt.  I realized that I didn’t have a clue about how to get to that place I wanted to be.  I attempted to ask those who have been in the business on a large scale for a long time and was pretty much shut out.  Two even said they would help me and make an appointment with me to just sit down and talk and then they avoided me like the plague.  I guess they saw that I have the talent and they felt I wanted to take over their jobs and clients.  Oh well.

As time has worn on in my endeavors I have grown more and more discouraged.  It doesn’t help when I see those I know with jobs and making an income complain how much they hate their jobs.  I would love to trade with them.  It seems that those who complain about their jobs get all kinds of sympathy from everyone else (I am speaking of status updates on various social networks).  However, when I have made comments voicing my frustration and discouragement from being unemployed and the lack of prospects, I get met with short, bitter statements like “move” or “get over it princess”.   Then there are those who pose questions and when I answer them in a realistic manner (not saying I am giving up totally) they make it sound like I am saying I am doomed and will find nothing.  It seems all of the advise and “encouragement” is coming from those who have at least one household income, their health and continual moral support and encouragement.

Doors get closed (some in your face).  Opportunities fizzle.  Unemployment funds run out.  Bank accounts dry up.  Desperation sets in.  Some folks turn to robbing and conning to get money to pay their bills and put food on the table.  Others take what little money they have and “invest” it in the lottery.  I have been tempted at both of these.  Especially seeing the billboard which brags that the Power Ball is up to $30 Million for the week.    The former, I blew off steam by IMing a friend that I am considering white-collar crime.  Then I can be sent to prison and have my needs taken care of and just spend my days writing.  I even jokingly posted a status update asking if someone could teach me how to get rid of my conscience so I could indulge in criminal behavior since it pays better than being out of work.  I can understand why people turn to this kind of behavior, but I don’t condone it.

The only thing worse than trying to find work during a recession would be to try to find work during a depression.  That is economical or emotional.  So what is one to do in this situation?  There are the optimists who would say to make some lemonade out of these lemons.  Then the pessimists who would tell us to just stay in bed it will never work out anyway.  Cynics?  nothing matters anyway, so why bother.  Nothing I have covered is news.  Well, perhaps you didn’t know about my weekend binge.  I am venting my own frustrations of not being able to get a viable job in the middle of a recession.  Yes, I said middle of.  I know the President and all his mouth pieces have said the recession is ending, but when you have no job and none in sight it is like trying to see the end of your car while driving in the middle of a fog in East Tennessee.  You can’t see that far.

Apparently they were dropping Mr. Price off on the west coast and he was to make his way east and return home in a week.  He was only to have $50 and could not use any credit cards nor accept large gifts such as airline tickets home or hotel accommodations.  He was to “work” his way home.  When this began I thought it would be intriguing to see what kinds of odd jobs he would do to earn some cash and help him get back to NYC.  As of Tuesday morning all was going well and seemed to be educational as well.

This morning I turned the news on and as I ate breakfast I watched the next chapter in Mr. Price’s trek home.  However, the more the segments ran, the angrier I found myself.  Yes, it was fascinating that he spent the night in a frat house and earned $20 for cleaning the bathroom.  However, the job he is doing right now making $12 an hour made me sick.  I am one of thousands who lost my regular $10 an hour job when the recession was hitting a year ago.  I am still out of work and opting instead to be a freelance writer.  There are so many people who would have gone to companies such as Omaha Steaks (where Mr. Price is working this morning) and applied for jobs.   These people are turned down because of the lack of funding to be able to pay them.  In fact, many of them would probably be willing to work for minimum wage just to be able to have some kind of an income.

In an economic recession, I find it a slap in the face to the many unemployed folks like myself that CBS would televise how easy it is for one of their employees who already has a well paying job to be able to walk in and get a job in a company making an hourly wage that makes me and others like me drool with desire and longing to have any kind of a job.  What qualifies Mr. Price to work in a company such as Omaha Steaks besides his celebrity status and wanting to boost his networks ratings irregardless of what it might do to the mindset of those who would watch and thereby boost those ratings?

Irresponsibility in boosting ratings.  It is possible to help those who are unemployed due to the recession while boosting ratings and in fact, may boost those network ratings even more.  If Mr. Price must obtain jobs in nationally know companies or major organizations or any kind, then use it to benefit those who could use the boost to their economy.  If these places are willing to hire a man who has no qualifications, besides celebrity, for a few hours to get national recognition for their company, let them go a step further and use it to find qualified workers to hire on a permanent basis to further ensure the longevity of the company.

Take odd jobs if you will, like cleaning bathrooms in a frat house, but if you choose to work in a major company, help fill that kind of a job with someone who truly needs and deserves it.  As for Omaha Steaks, I have ordered from them in the past.  However, I am very reluctant to order from them unless they use this opportunity to help those who want and need jobs to obtain jobs in their company.  Being a celebrity making a great salary and then throwing it in the faces of those who helped make you a celebrity by frivolously getting jobs they would love to have just to work for an hour or two is, in my opinion, just plain wrong.