DeeEl's Mo Chroí Scríofa

Working Mother

I have some pet peeves, as we all do.  There are a couple that have just been rubbing me the wrong way lately and I decided I needed to vent them here.  Chances are, if you are reading this, then you know at least one working mother and you also know single moms who, of course, have to work.  Don’t worry I am not against working mothers or single moms.  Well, just a handful of them.

Some of you know of my disregard for Katie Couric.  I used to admire her as I watched her as an anchor on NBC Today.  It was heartbreaking to watch as she struggled with her husband, Jay Monahan’s fight against cancer and then his ultimate death.  It was even more disheartening that he left two young daughters behind as well.  The turning point for me as a fan of Ms. Couric’s was when she would whine and complain about how she struggles financially trying to raise two daughters alone.  Yes, it is a struggle being a single mother.  However, considering Ms. Couric makes more in a month than most single mom’s make in a year working two and three jobs, I don’t see how she can, in good conscience, bemoan her situation.  I have seen so many single moms struggle trying to make a good life for their children.  They sacrifice and work sometimes 12 – 16 hours a day not getting to spend much time with their children.  I know it is difficult losing a mate and suddenly having to do everything yourself, but when you make that much money and so many make at and below poverty level and they keep going, come on already.  She is the reason I stopped watching NBC Today and switched to CBS This Morning.

Single moms and dads should be held in the highest regard.  Especially the ones who aren’t financially secure.  I have worked along side some of these wonderful people.  They love their children so much and have to sacrifice to provide food, shelter and clothing for them.  It is so easy for some to have babies and then go and get welfare money and food stamps.  But so many people don’t believe in this.  They prefer to take care of their families themselves by working and providing the best they can.  People who were raised during the depression will be the first to tell you that they didn’t even know they were poor, everyone was.  Today we have movies and television that show a different life style and people believe if they do not have these luxuries, like cable television, cell phones and computers then they are living in shame.  Somehow, these wonderful single parents actually make things work and they do it all without complaining.  I raise my glass to each and everyone of who make things work everyday with so little.

Now to address working mothers.  I have been watching CBS This Morning for a while.  Starting with anchor Julie Chen, it seems all the women were getting pregnant.  Julie Chen began her maternity leave in September 2009.  She returned from maternity leave this past week.  Well, sort of.  After eight months leave to have her baby and spend time with him, she returned to CBS This Morning working an hour a day.  Yes, she only works the second hour of the two hour program.  During a segment this past week she made a comment about admiring someone because she was a working mother and now Julie herself is a working mother.  Um, HELLO.

In years past a girl was raised to finish school, maybe go to college and get married and have babies.  The woman did not work outside the home.  A side note here, I believe all mothers are working mothers, especially if they are the ones who take care of their children.  This is not about that. As years have gone by things have changed.  World War II found women having to go into the factories and businesses to work and do things the men had once done since the men were off fighting in the war.  When the men returned home, the women didn’t want to go back to staying in the home.  They wanted to keep on working.  Also, financial status’ changed.  Prices kept going up but wages could not keep up.  Therefore, households require two incomes.

I have a friend who recently had a baby.  Her maternity leave was six weeks.  For the most part, maternity leave is about six weeks and is unpaid unless the woman has accumulated sick/annual leave.  Some companies also offer paternity leave which is much shorter in duration and again, unpaid unless you have accumulated leave.  Basically, all this leave affords is security that your job will be there when you return.    Ms. Chen went on maternity leave 9/09.  My friends baby was born January 2010.  My friend was back to work her normal hours in the department store she has worked at since 2004 months before Ms. Chen returned to work only one hour a day for CBS.  Since her husband is president of CBS, Ms. Chen doesn’t have to work.  She could have extended her maternity leave indefinitely.  So many women in this world have to work just to help make ends meet in the home.

I would never begrudge anyone anything they have worked for.  I just think that those parents who are single and working hard every day as well as home with two working parents who nave to work and keep the family going, deserve mucho kudos.  To my many friends who are single parents and those where both parents work hard every day to raise healthy, wholesome children who will grow up to run this country one day, I humbly bow to your excellence.  If I could I would take care of all of your children and give you each 24 hours to do nothing but pamper yourselves.

There Is NO Excuse for Abuse

There are so many things that the mass majority of people in my life do not know about me.  There are many people who think they know me, really know me.  I am not, nor have I ever been one to wear my heart on my sleeve.  A lot of those I have allowed to get close to me know this.  Very few of those in that group know the why behind it.  Yes, there is a very thick wall around my heart.  There has to be.  It has been the only way I have been able to survive the past 44 years.  There is one thing that those closest to  me, be they my inner-most circle or even a level or two outward, know and that is the one issue that I am the most vocal about, my main soapbox, if you will ~ ABUSE!!!  Abuse of any kind is down right intolerable in any society.  Child abuse, spousal abuse, animal abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse, elder abuse, and the list goes on.  there are so many names these days given to abuse, but in the end it is all the same.

I grew up with abuse.  I saw my father beat my mother when he was drunk.  My father nearly killed me three times, when he was drunk.  My aunt’s husband abused her till, finally she left him and they divorced (I had very eerie feelings whenever he was around).  I was also emotionally and physically abused by my mother and step-father (who also sexually abused me).  I have seen friends in relationships with people who had abusive and controlling tendencies.  I am not a violent person, however, there was one time in  my life that I looked in my friends eyes and said “If he ever lays another hand on you or one of those babies, I will kill him”.  This is someone I had known from childhood.  She knew I meant it.  She cut me out of her life instead of him.  The last I heard she followed suit and cut off everyone else.

Working in an emergency shelter for children, we once had a caseworker bring a toddler in after the child was released from the hospital where she was taken after being found severely beaten by her father.  She still had raccoon eyes.  The caseworker refused to give us even the father’s name as we (the director, two other workers at the shelter and I) were gathering bats and anything else we could find to go and beat the father.  The worker said he would have to have the first shot.  We cried knowing what the possibility was for this child to be returned to her father and just the sight of what he had already done sickened us.

Recently in the local news, a man was arrested and is going to stand charges after dragging a terrier-mix dog behind his truck.  The man says he didn’t know, however the witnesses that attempted to stop him say otherwise.  The dog is now doing fine but lost a lot of skin and fur on her paws and belly as well as had her nails worn all the way down.

Being graphic is not my intent here.  The human race is immune to the face of abuse.  We pay money to watch brutality.  Vulgar and abusive language is part of our every day lives to the point that most people don’t even realize they are saying it or hearing it.  So what do we do about it?

Laws have changed over the years to where the legal system now recognizes and brings charges against those who decades ago would have been lauded for their repulsive behavior.  There are still those who claim that an abused child is just receiving discipline from their parent(s); or a spouse who is abused, belittled and dominated has no right to file charges as it is within the sanctum of marriage and therefore no laws are broken.  To clarify at this point, I use the term spouse in a generic manner.  This is male and female and extends to significant others not just husband and wife.  Yes, men can also be abused by a spouse.  There are women who find satisfaction in being dominant and controlling in a relationship, but these cases are usually thrown out as no one wants to believe that a man can be abused.

My study in psychology is limited, but I chose that field to help others like me.  I was an adolescent counselor working mostly in juvenile justice for many years.  I was able to relate to a lot of the kids I worked with who were from abusive and neglected backgrounds.  I think they felt this and I believe I helped at least a few of them.  I don’t pretend to know what causes individuals to be abusive.  I have read case studies and seen movies made about real life cases.  Some believe it to be an imbalance of chemicals in the brain.  Others aver it to be victims of abuse becoming abusers themselves.  Watch any crime drama on television and see this depicted over and over again.    There are those who also give credence to the stress the abuser is going through at the time of the abuse.

It is so easy to use these excuses, but all that does is further allow the abuse to continue.  I can go out on a rampage and hurt, maim or kill a lot of people.  Then when I get to court, I plead innocent as I didn’t know what I was doing because I was abused as a child.  I don’t see the justification in this, but it is done every day.   Perhaps I do not know what was going through the mind of my abusers when they abused me.  I don’t know what goes through the mind of any abuser.  What I do know is that there is NO excuse for hurting another living soul, man or beast.   Saying things that are hurtful about a certain group, especially if there is someone within earshot that is in that particular group, is mean and abusive.  The words are said as a joke, but where is the funny side when someone gets hurt?

Before you raise your hand to hurt, raise your words to praise.  Before using hurtful words, think and say something good.  Hurting someone is not a sign that you love them, it is a sign that you need help.  If you know someone or suspect someone is being hurt, don’t tell that person they probably already know it.  Tell someone who can do something about it.  When my gym teacher saw bruises on me, a note was sent home.  I was beat even more.  Telling the abuser or the victim will not stop the pain.  My bruises have gone away and the physical scars have faded, but the emotional scars are still there buried with  my heart behind the fortress that was built up to protect it from those who said they loved me by hurting me.