DeeEl's Mo Chroí Scríofa

Loneliness Can Kill

The other day I published a post called Regrets.  I was hurting and didn’t know where to go or what to do.   I was making plans though.  I knew who would get what and made a list of letters to write to try to provide understanding.  Believing I cause only pain and suffering to all those I touch, I isolated myself more from those I care about in an attempt to shield them from me.

My background in psychology gave me the insight to see what was going on, however, I still felt powerless to the forces within.  A few of my on-line friends cornered me in an attempt to learn what was going on.  I talked a bit.  Then the next day still feeling very overwhelmed I was cornered by another on-line friend who isn’t as close to my inner-circle, and using MSN voice chat she read me the riot act and we talked more candidly.  I cried so much there wasn’t one dry spot on my handkerchief.  I told her that I believed the real issue to be my 16 month unemployment and diminished bank account compounded by a chronic illness.

After my four hour conversation with this person I ended up in a chat with one from my inner-circle.  Mostly superficial on my part, but I told her that I promised not to even talk about booking a one-way flight to Iraq for myself.  I then received an e-mail from a new friend that an old friend has been trying to introduce me to for nearly a year.  I set it up and we began to chat in MSN and the mutual friend began IMing me in YIM at the same time my cousin IMd me in Skype.  I was too focused on keeping my conversations straight to even acknowledge the overwhelming feelings within.

I spent a couple hours with a handful of my inner-circle last night in Second Life.  I stayed up a wee past my bedtime last night pondering things and for the first time in days I didn’t cry myself to sleep.  I am still unemployed.  My bank account is still empty.  I still have a chronic illness and I am still alone.  I woke up this morning considering everything.  I remember the other day feeling so bad I went on line and typed something (I can’t recall now what I typed) into a Google search.  The result was a website linked to the suicide hot-line.  I sat there and looked at the site and scrolled through.  It kept saying that if you were in immanent danger to call the number.  Being too cowardice I knew I wasn’t in that kind of danger and there are others more in need so I just looked at the screen.  Finally, I closed the browser and played backgammon against my computer.

I am not one to wear my heart on my sleeve and don’t go around telling everyone how sad I am.  This post and the last are exceedingly difficult.  However, I feel it needs to be said as I am sure there are others out there like me who may need encouragement or just validation that they are not alone.  What occurred to me this morning was how wrong I was in what I deduced yesterday.  The things that I thought were causing my issues were the aggravaters.   My real problem is loneliness.  It has been weeks since I have felt the human touch.  No hugs, no kisses, not even a handshake or the unintentional brushing up against someone not watching where they are walking in the market.  There is no one here for me to talk to when I am having a bad day or get stressed out because my balance is off.

Yes, there are those that would say right now, “Well, you could call me”.  I have called people or IMd them on-line with the intent of talking to them but I end up sitting and listening to them go on about their issues or they give me the feeling that they are too busy to take time for me.  I oblige and listen or let them go so they could continue with what they were doing.  Then I go off by myself.

The suicide rate increases during the winter months.  Holiday time it is the absence of loved ones who have passed away.  The cold weather sends us indoors where we are locked away from the rest of the world and when you live alone, that can be devastating.  It is this separation from other people that can drive someone, even someone with intelligence and education, to consider ridding the world of their life.

I have not just been considering my own situation, I have been trying to see the other side as well.  I am an isolationist, I try to cope by shutting myself off from everyone as I feel they do not need to be bothered with my issues.  I know this is wrong, but it is all I know.  So what should the ones who care about you do?  How can they know when you aren’t one to broadcast (how I envy those people who can make things known)?  A lot of times people get so busy with their own lives and their inner-circle that they forget about others they know who may be lonely.  Those who know me, know I am unemployed and that I have a chronic illness that prevents me from doing a lot of things.  There are times that I would love to take a walk in the park and make mention of it, but there is no one there to go with me, so I can’t go.

If you know someone who is pretty much cut off, then give them a call or drop them an e-mail.  Stop by and not just because you are in the neighborhood.  It will make a big impact if you go out of your way because you want to see them.  Let them know you want to spend time with them just talking, not about their situation, but as a friend the way you have done many times in the past.  Offer to go for a walk with them.  Just reach out and touch someone don’t just think about them and later when you happen to see them or talk to them tell them you think about them and pray for them all the time.   Those are nice words, but they don’t help to heal the real problem ~ Loneliness.  You don’t need to ask them what you can do for them, they probably won’t tell you.   But just be a friend and give them the one thing they crave more than anything in the world, your time and you.

Health Care Bill = Health Crisis

Terri Carlson wants her 15 minutes of fame and she wants publicity.  Well, I give her publicity here and on Twitter.  Just not the kind she wants.  She lives in California and has been setting up YouTube videos to find herself a husband.  Some may think this a novel idea.  She doesn’t want a husband to love, nor does she want his money.  Ms. Carlson is looking for a man to marry her and add her to his insurance.  She completed a segment on the CBS Morning Show this morning again, begging for a husband.  She did not say what her medical condition is, but on her YouTube this morning before taking her flight she showed she was taking her medical test results with her as proof that the is ill.  She is averring that she, a professed Republican, should be the poster child for President Obama’s health care reform bill.  She has a job working for a disabilities group, but they do not offer health insurance.  She has been buying Cobra Insurance (which everyone will attest to is very expensive), but it runs out in a year.  She feels she must marry someone within a year and be added to his insurance in order to maintain her health care.

Ms. Carlson wants to see the entire bill go through so she will not be denied health care.  I sent her a note via her website.  I spelled out how she is wrong.  This is a selfish act on her part.  I believe that she is aware of this.  She keeps stating this is all fer HER to be able to get benefits.  She does not have other people in mind as she sets out on her talk show arena.  I have blogged in the past about this health care reform bill.  I have read more of it than the politicians we are relying on to vote on our behalf.  The only good thing in the bill as it is written is the section that will make it illegal for insurance companies to deny someone benefits due to a pre-existing condition.  However, Ms. Carlson does not take into consideration that this bill will force everyone to buy insurance even if they cannot afford it.  Yes, there will be some allowance, but they are not very good ones.

In order for this to work, the government needs to revamp many areas, including the Americans with Disabilities Act.  President Obama has had one goal since running for office ~ Health Care Reform.  I watched him and listened to him as I was in favor of this myself.  I did not give into the belief that his reform would bring about euthanasia.  I did not listen to anyone but Mr. Obama.  Unfortunately, it was his words during his address to the Senate in September that turned me against his bill.  He is in a hurry to get this through in order to help a few people he has been trying to help since he first went into politics.  However, he too has missed the big picture, the helping of ALL Americans.  Until all Americans, or at least the largest population of Americans can benefit, this bill needs to be rewritten.  Doctors can increase their costs for people without insurance while charging insurance companies the minimal.  Alcoholics can get disability when alcoholism is their only disability, but people with heart disease and Meniere’s Disease cannot.  This is not a perfect country and the government only wants to put a coat of paint on a decaying wall.

Health Care ~~ Health Disaster

For more than a year, since Mr. Obama began talking about health care reform on the campaign trail, I have listened intently with what he had to say. Half in hope, half in caution I drank in the speeches and listened to all the flowery, sweet-smelling words. Having dabbled in politics years ago and from just being an American citizen, I know better than to put full faith in promises made on the campaign trail. I had to reign in my hopefulness a bit, but I did hope.

Older than his run for the White House is Mr. Obama’s push for health care reform. In fact, this has been his passion from his days in the Senate. It seems that he has had a strong desire to improve a basic need of the citizens in this country. Looking back over Mr. Obama’s past speeches I found that he has mentioned America’s need for health care for at least the past three years.

As president of the United States, Mr. Obama found firmer footing to build his health care reform platform. He met with much opposition and rumors as to the actual truth about his proposal. One of the more prominent rumors was that the proposal was designed to euthanize the elderly. I am not given to follow idle rumors and chose to listen to the words of the one laying the plans.

My hopes continued to grow each time I listened to the president’s speeches addressing healthcare reform. All my adult life I have had health insurance through the jobs I have held. Mostly I would use this insurance for regular check-ups and examinations on the occasion I would become ill. In November 2004, I first presented with the chronic illness of Meneire’s Disease. For the first time I needed full use of my purchased health insurance. Instead of my insurance being a useful tool, it became a source of stress.

Working for a company with less than 20 employees each year our medical co-pay increased drastically. Only a handful subscribed to the insurance and only one of those had a chronic illness. I became downcast upon reading the memo from the insurance company that the reason for the increase was over use to the medical insurance in our company. I and the others knew who was to blame. My response was that it just doesn’t pay to get sick in this country.

October 2008, I lost my job due to the recession. I was given the papers to apply for the standard COBRA insurance that is offered to all insured employees who lose or leave their jobs for whatever reason thereby losing their medical insurance as well. This insurance is generally much more expensive than what one has been paying especially if the company has been paying part or all of the insurance coverage. On top of the added expense a person is expected to pay the fees minus the income they have been accustomed to receiving.

Unable to afford the cost of this insurance I began shopping around for insurance I could afford. My biggest obstacle is my pre-existing condition. All of the insurances are pretty much the same ~ buy the insurance for a year without them covering the pre-existing condition and at the end of the year they will let you know IF they will cover said condition. Chances are if you see a doctor or purchase medications regularly (which you do with chronic illnesses) you will NOT be covered after that year. Then you have wasted a year and all the money used to purchase the insurance.

Thanks to the wonderful world of the internet I have friends all over the world. Over the past eleven months I have chatted with them and on occasion mentioned that I had to cancel doctor appointments because I couldn’t’ afford to go. Those who live in countries with national insurance coverage couldn’t understand why I couldn’t afford to see the doctor. I would explain that our country doesn’t care enough to provide decent medical care for its citizens.

Several years ago I was classified as indigent and treated at the Health Department. We do have one clinic in town for those without insurance which charges on a sliding scale. However, they have a three month wait to see a doctor. At the Health Department the doctor refused to provide medication for my asthma, told me I had an upper respiratory infection and gave me a flu shot. No antibiotics or anything else to treat the infection. I got sicker until I passed out in congregation. A nurse and doctor in the congregation came to my aid. They were both appalled that the doctor would give me a flu shot while I was ill and not provide medications to get better. While I applied for TennCare at the time, I was denied the insurance. Since I was ill, I let the matter drop. Months later I was told by an employee at the Health Department that everyone is denied when they first apply. It is only in appealing that TennCare is granted.

Incidents like this are why I have been in favor of Mr. Obama’s health care reform. However, I changed my opinion when he addressed the Senate on September 9th. I originally planned to write this the day after, but came down with the flu and was in bed for several days. However, while I watched the speech I became doubtful and yes, even angry.

Mr. Obama and the others putting this together, in my opinion, are looking at it from the point of view of those who do not have a chronic illness and have never had to make a choice between purchasing their needed medications or groceries. The way I am reading this healthcare reform, it has way too many holes in it to be of good use to those who could truly benefit and need coverage.

It is my understanding that Mr. Obama wants to make medical insurance mandatory for all citizens the way auto insurance is mandatory for all drivers. To me, this is one more way the government is trying to control the citizens. If you can’t afford the insurance, you can get a waiver so you don’t have to have it. How does this help when many of those who can’t afford the insurance are the ones who really need it?

One big issue for me that Mr. Obama talked about was the coverage for pre-existing conditions. Again, Mr. Obama and his people don’t have a clue what they are doing or saying. Yes, he may make it illegal for an insurance company to deny coverage due to a pre-existing condition, but that doesn’t mean that have to cover the condition. I have been on this road for almost a year now and I am not buying what he is selling.

The United States is one of the richest countries in the world and yet she can’t take care of her own people. There are government employees, at all levels, making at and below poverty level. Wealthy celebrities go to other countries to adopt poor babies to give them a “good” home instead of adopting poor children in this country. I would love to see things come together to show that the United States government really does care about ALL its legal citizens. Right now, from where I stand, I only see the rich getting richer; the poor getting poorer; the healthy remaining healthy and the sick dying.