DeeEl's Mo Chroí Scríofa

Loneliness Can Kill

The other day I published a post called Regrets.  I was hurting and didn’t know where to go or what to do.   I was making plans though.  I knew who would get what and made a list of letters to write to try to provide understanding.  Believing I cause only pain and suffering to all those I touch, I isolated myself more from those I care about in an attempt to shield them from me.

My background in psychology gave me the insight to see what was going on, however, I still felt powerless to the forces within.  A few of my on-line friends cornered me in an attempt to learn what was going on.  I talked a bit.  Then the next day still feeling very overwhelmed I was cornered by another on-line friend who isn’t as close to my inner-circle, and using MSN voice chat she read me the riot act and we talked more candidly.  I cried so much there wasn’t one dry spot on my handkerchief.  I told her that I believed the real issue to be my 16 month unemployment and diminished bank account compounded by a chronic illness.

After my four hour conversation with this person I ended up in a chat with one from my inner-circle.  Mostly superficial on my part, but I told her that I promised not to even talk about booking a one-way flight to Iraq for myself.  I then received an e-mail from a new friend that an old friend has been trying to introduce me to for nearly a year.  I set it up and we began to chat in MSN and the mutual friend began IMing me in YIM at the same time my cousin IMd me in Skype.  I was too focused on keeping my conversations straight to even acknowledge the overwhelming feelings within.

I spent a couple hours with a handful of my inner-circle last night in Second Life.  I stayed up a wee past my bedtime last night pondering things and for the first time in days I didn’t cry myself to sleep.  I am still unemployed.  My bank account is still empty.  I still have a chronic illness and I am still alone.  I woke up this morning considering everything.  I remember the other day feeling so bad I went on line and typed something (I can’t recall now what I typed) into a Google search.  The result was a website linked to the suicide hot-line.  I sat there and looked at the site and scrolled through.  It kept saying that if you were in immanent danger to call the number.  Being too cowardice I knew I wasn’t in that kind of danger and there are others more in need so I just looked at the screen.  Finally, I closed the browser and played backgammon against my computer.

I am not one to wear my heart on my sleeve and don’t go around telling everyone how sad I am.  This post and the last are exceedingly difficult.  However, I feel it needs to be said as I am sure there are others out there like me who may need encouragement or just validation that they are not alone.  What occurred to me this morning was how wrong I was in what I deduced yesterday.  The things that I thought were causing my issues were the aggravaters.   My real problem is loneliness.  It has been weeks since I have felt the human touch.  No hugs, no kisses, not even a handshake or the unintentional brushing up against someone not watching where they are walking in the market.  There is no one here for me to talk to when I am having a bad day or get stressed out because my balance is off.

Yes, there are those that would say right now, “Well, you could call me”.  I have called people or IMd them on-line with the intent of talking to them but I end up sitting and listening to them go on about their issues or they give me the feeling that they are too busy to take time for me.  I oblige and listen or let them go so they could continue with what they were doing.  Then I go off by myself.

The suicide rate increases during the winter months.  Holiday time it is the absence of loved ones who have passed away.  The cold weather sends us indoors where we are locked away from the rest of the world and when you live alone, that can be devastating.  It is this separation from other people that can drive someone, even someone with intelligence and education, to consider ridding the world of their life.

I have not just been considering my own situation, I have been trying to see the other side as well.  I am an isolationist, I try to cope by shutting myself off from everyone as I feel they do not need to be bothered with my issues.  I know this is wrong, but it is all I know.  So what should the ones who care about you do?  How can they know when you aren’t one to broadcast (how I envy those people who can make things known)?  A lot of times people get so busy with their own lives and their inner-circle that they forget about others they know who may be lonely.  Those who know me, know I am unemployed and that I have a chronic illness that prevents me from doing a lot of things.  There are times that I would love to take a walk in the park and make mention of it, but there is no one there to go with me, so I can’t go.

If you know someone who is pretty much cut off, then give them a call or drop them an e-mail.  Stop by and not just because you are in the neighborhood.  It will make a big impact if you go out of your way because you want to see them.  Let them know you want to spend time with them just talking, not about their situation, but as a friend the way you have done many times in the past.  Offer to go for a walk with them.  Just reach out and touch someone don’t just think about them and later when you happen to see them or talk to them tell them you think about them and pray for them all the time.   Those are nice words, but they don’t help to heal the real problem ~ Loneliness.  You don’t need to ask them what you can do for them, they probably won’t tell you.   But just be a friend and give them the one thing they crave more than anything in the world, your time and you.

We Are The World Misses It ~~ By A World

When “We Are The World” first came out in March 1985, I remember thinking that it was nice of them to put this together to raise money for African  Famine Relief.  Now twenty-five years later they have remade the song to benefit the earthquake stricken Haiti.  I still think it is a nice song and it is also nice to consider raising money to help others.  However, I do believe that they are missing the big picture and missed it 25 years ago as well.

I was watching the news when they aired a piece about the remake of Michael Jackson and Lionel Richie’s infamous song.  It struck me as odd when they began mentioning the people who would be  participating in this recording.  I went on a mission to learn more and found pretty much the same people had been involved in the original recording.  This group is made up mostly of North American musicians, singers and actors; a handful of English performers and a sprinkling of Latin artists.  I can understand these people wanting to be involved to lay claim that it is Michael Jackson’s project and is a good will song.  What I can’t understand is how they can, in good conscience, perform a song which talks about bringing the world together and not include the rest of the world.

Where are the Haitian’s, Russian’s, Romanian’s, Iraqi’s?  Why are the German’s, Afghan’s, Chinese not involved?  How can you have a song about the people of the world being one and not include a group from all nations of the world?  I haven’t figured out why they allotted a month to complete the original project (which they barely made the deadline for) and this time far less time adding even more undue pressure.

For those who are doing this project and want to do it properly I suggest you step back and add more time to your self-imposed deadline.  Get a clue by actually reading and comprehending the lyrics you are performing.  Get a nice sized grouping of entertainers in ALL nations of the world.  Let them perform the song not only in English, but their native tongue as well.  Taking the time to do this right and being ALL inclusive will provide a much more accurate fulfillment of the words being sung.

If it is FOR the world and ABOUT the world, then it should be delivered BY the world

Sombody!!

I have barred the door as I feel the mob gathering to charge, armed with clubs and torches.  Words that have been slowly mulling in my mind for years spewed out into an astonishing reality in my dreams last night.  The song that resounded over and over and over in my dream was one that Frank Sinatra made famous, “You’re Nobody, Til Somebody Loves You”.  I am a fan of Ole Blue-eyes, but I must admit, this song has left me confused.  The song implies that you can’t be somebody till someone else loves you, however the end tells you to go and find someone to love.  How does finding someone for you to love cause them to love you and thereby make you a somebody?  This had been my life’s theme for a long time as I didn’t feel as if anyone loved me and therefore I was a nobody.

Not long ago I was watching a crime drama on television.  Before this girl went missing and was ultimately found dead, she reached out to an FBI agent that she remembered due to his kindness towards her.  Alas, the FBI agent, through the entire show, could not remember her.  She had been, after all, a lowly receptionist where he used to work.  In other words, a nobody.  While the agent never remembered her, he did try to change his ways at the end to be more aware and more mindful of those who were seemingly of less importance.

In my dream last night, the part I remember most, an older woman had passed away.  Another woman, who turned out to be her daughter, read off a list of the dead woman’s accomplishments.  I felt impressed by all she had done.  However, the orator stopped abruptly without finishing and blurted out, “In other words, a nobody”.  I snapped my head up and snatched the paper away and reprimanded, “No, she WAS somebody”.  Then, as I began to berate the daughter, I woke up.

What makes one person more valuable than another?

Why should one race, religion or nationality be more vital than any other?

Every person, every human being IS somebody!

Just because one cleans toilets for a living while another lives off his trust-fund, doesn’t make either less important.  Just because one owns many multimillion dollar homes and businesses while another lives on the streets and scrounges for food,  does not make either more of a person.

I once heard a story that Donald Trump was in his limousine when it got a flat tire in a rain storm.  A passer-by changed the tire and Mr. Trump wanted to repay him.  The man left his business card and only asked that Mr. Trump send his wife a dozen roses.  However, the “generous” Mr. Trump sent her dozens of roses and paid off the man’s mortgage.  Whether or not this tale is true, I don’t know.  But I wonder, does Mr. Trump even know anything about the people who clean his toilets everyday?  Or are they faceless nobodies to him?

No, this is not a bash against Mr. Sinatra nor Mr. Trump.  Due to illness I sit in my home pretty much all day, every day.  The only “human” contact I have is on the internet.  People do not drop by nor call just to chat.  To them, I suppose, I am just an unemployed nobody not worthy of the time in their busy day.  But that’s okay.  Think about all the people you encounter every day.  Office workers you hardly glance at as they rush by on their way to the lunchroom.  The receptionist who manages so much for you, you don’t know about.  The person on the street you bump into while trying to talk on your cellphone.  Nobodies to you, but somebody who is just as important as you think you are.

Devastation In Haiti

On Tuesday, January 12, 2010, an earthquake measuring 7.0 on the Richter Scale struck the country of Haiti leaving devastation in its wake.  This is the first earthquake of this magnitude to hit the country in a century.  I have, watched passively the news casts containing graphic photos of the pain and destruction.  I spent a week in Haiti back in 1989.  During this week I celebrated my 24^th birthday.  While I did not go to Haiti to celebrate my birthday, it was an added bonus while I was there.  One of the shots shown on the news was the, now flattened, National Palace.  I looked away fast as tears began to well up in my eyes.  I remembered the day I took this photograph of that same National Palace.  Now it is rubble.

There have been so many thoughts going through my mind the past week since the story first broke of the earthquake.  I think about other natural disasters in recent history around the world.  I think about the loss.  And yes, I think about the time I spent there all those years ago.  I fortify my thoughts by looking through my scrapbook and remembering as if it were last week I was there.  As I look, listen and remember I find myself experiencing a wide range of emotions as well.  Sadness and heartbreak for all those who are there or have loved ones there.  I also feel relief as I know it could have been much worse.

The other emotion that seems to have taken over is anger.  Not because this happened, but anger over the reactions of some Americans.  I can understand they are grieving as their loved ones were there when the earthquake struck and have still not been found.  My issue is with them thinking and crying out as if American lives are of more value than other lives around the world.  There are still many Canadians, Europeans and especially Haitians unaccounted for.  There are over 100 UN staffers missing as well.  I hear the pleas of Americans begging the President of the United States to do everything possible to find the missing Americans.  Why are their lives more valuable?  From what I have seen in news reports the world around is sending aid in some form or fashion to try to find the missing and bring comfort and relief to the rest of the country.  There is nothing more that can be done than is already being done.

Human life is human life.  One life is not of more value than any other.  Narrow mindedness breeds resentment.  It is okay to grieve and want your loved ones back safely, but when you believe they are more important than another persons loved one, you make way for resentment.  I hope they find all those who are missing no matter their skin color, religion or nationality.  Hold good thoughts for all those who are missing, those who are injured, those who died and all their loved ones around the world.  Remember Haiti in all her beauty and splendor.  Like the grandeur found in this, the oldest church in Haiti.

Resolution To Resolve

The new year was ushered in a week ago.  Immediately people were buzzing about their resolutions for 2010.  Statistics have shown that more gym memberships are sold in the month of January than any other month of the year.  Memberships in weight-loss programs skyrocket.  Smoking cessation programs are entered into by the droves.  These acts are good for the people selling these products, but what happens after the initial resolution is passed?

A resolution is a declaration to make a change.  This can be a good thing, if the resolution declared is seen through to the end or determined outcome.  Unfortunately, but February and March the gyms empty out and the weight-loss programs see a drastic decline in numbers and sales.  The smokers find warm places to indulge and ease the stress they encounter trying to quit.  Dose this make the New Years Resolution something that we should take with the mentality that it will fail so why bother indulging?

It seems that making resolutions should be goals that can be kept and should be made and revisited throughout the year.  I have also considered another facet to this annual melee folks seem fascinated with.  All the resolutions are individual.  I propose more global resolutions.  Last week reading the newspaper (yes, the one you hold in your hands and get newsprint all over your fingers) I looked at the editorial comic and pondered.  The parents were putting the Christmas decorations away and the son was watching and questioning.  Sticking out of cartons were a couple of banners.  One read “Peace On Earth” and the other “Good Will toward Men”.  I quickly understood the meaning in this cartoon.  It seems that along with the decorations, we pack away peace and good will as well.  there was the usual quote in the Editorial section and it seemed to me to go hand-in-hand with this cartoon “Gifts of time and love are surely the basic ingredients of a truly merry Christmas.”  ~~  Peg Bracken.

These commodities which are part of everyone’s vocabulary in November and December seem to fade or get packed away when the season ends.  Peace, good will, time and love should be as much a part of our lives and vocabulary in June and July as they are in November and December.  We should set more global resolutions that we can follow through with not only the rest of the year, but the rest of our lives.  I am not talking about scheduling a trip every year to take money to third world countries.  We cannot reach out to those across the globe when we can’t even open our hearts to accept our next door neighbor for who they are.  Making thing better or striving for peace is not about changing the other person.  It is about changing our own hearts to accept them for who they are and what they are.

Sometimes it is even closer than the next door.  There are many people around the world who can’t even accept the differences in the souls who reside in their own house, their own family.  Accepting doesn’t mean changing that person to be like you or believe the way you do.  The change is in your heart and seeing that person as a human being, a soul.  All human beings deserve to be seen as individuals.  Resolve this year to be accepting of others to visualize an end that includes a world that is able to live more peaceably.  Set a resolution to resolve a change in your own heart to provoke change around the world.

Ignorance Isn’t Always Bliss

The assimilation of the internet into the daily lives of the vast population of the world affords the ability to explore the truths about our fellow human beings.  We have, literally, at our fingertips the ability to learn and understand cultures which are not our own.  So why is there still so much ignorance and hatred masquerading as intelligent personage?

On Thursday November 5, 2009, a mass shooting took place on an American military base on US soil.  It has been said that this is the worst shooting at an American military installation in history.  While no reports initially coming out of Fort Hood indicating any type of terrorist activity, people began posting on social networks (i.e.: Facebook, Twitter, etc.) that the shooter was Muslim and indicated it therefore had to be an act of terrorism.

Reports that I watched bespoke Maj. Nidal Malik had had several deployments and was working as a psychiatrist with many individuals returning from deployment with symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).  However, even the experts can miss or even supress symptoms of PTSD in themselves.

Ignorance regarding other religions and cultures leads to untoward hatred.  Ignorance regarding mental illness in general and PTSD specifically, leads to fear and ill-fated hatred.  Hence, all roads lead to hatred.

In the 1958 film South Pacific, the song “You Have To Be Taught” was sung by sung by two of the primary leads.  One an American, the other a Frenchman.  they had both fallen in love with someone outside their upbringing.  Trying to justify not following their hearts regarding love, the American and the American the Frenchman fell in love with discussed the hatred they were taught to have toward all those who are different from themselves and their American families.

I was raised more or less sheltered from the hatred in the outside world.  However, I knew that my family was prejudiced against blacks and anyone not of the ‘christian’ faith.  I was not overtly subjected to acts of hatred or even slurs, but I knew.  I even found myself as an adult having similar ideation.

Two years ago I really began to look at myself deeper.  I found myself calling people friend that had I known certain things about them before, I would not have gotten any closer to them than as an acquaintance.  The internet allowed me to get to know people from different religions, cultures and political affiliations without the bias of knowing these things.  I found that I get to know and enjoy people who are differnt from me.

The old cliche’ “nothing new under the sun” is so accurate it’s scary.  Small minded people have been stiring up fear and hatred in otherwise intelligent people since the beginning of time.  The problem today is the ease of information flowing out for our education.  In other words, there is NO excuse for ignorant fear and hatred in societies today.  I wonder if Maj. Malik’s name were Johnson or Greene, would people have been so fast to holler “terrorist”?  Today, education is bliss  ~~  ignorance is remiss.

This post was actually written 11/6/09, however, due to computer issues I was unable to publish it till now.