DeeEl's Mo Chroí Scríofa

Ostriches In The Sand

Having an invisible illness gives a person a different view of the world.  I struggle when I go anywhere and have no one to help me except the very small handful of compassionate people who may see me and come over to help if it isn’t out of their way.  This morning I had to run a few errands.  I went to the post office to check my mailbox and there were no kind folks around to hold the door as there usually are. This is not really a big issue.  I returned to my car and drove down to the supermarket.

The supermarket can be a bit of a challenge as it is so big and I must make my way around, staggering with my cane and a buggy.  Occasionally I am met with smiles and nods from the front end employees and then by other employees as I make my way around.  Today, it was as if I was invisible.  Not just invisible to employees, but to other customers as well.  I couldn’t help but think as I was struggling in the dairy isle to get an item lower than what I could safely reach.  I saw via peripheral vision a man walk past me as I struggled to keep my balance and remain standing.  Clearly, he had to notice my difficulties, but kept on walking. 

There were others as well that seemed to do this.  It was as if they made eye contact they would be obliged to assist me and they were far too busy to show compassion or kindness to a fellow human being.  I just couldn’t help but think about the myth of the ostrich burying his head in the sand.  Pliny the Elder once wrote, “imagine, when they have thrust their head and neck into a bush, that the whole of their body is concealed.”  This is to believe to be the source of the myth regarding the ostrich.  Humans are a lot like this though.   Not that by hiding their heads they believe their entire body is hidden, but if they cover their eyes, then the ugliness and ailments of their fellow human beings does not exist.

Too often, we cover our eyes or put on blinders to the outside world hoping that what is wrong with it will just go away and cease to exist.  We hope that the poor soul struggling to keep herself on her feet to finish her shopping will just disappear because we are too busy and too important to stop for just 30 seconds to assist someone else.  Or by putting a blindfold on the bruises and cuts on the child next door will fade and never return because we just can’t take a minute of our own time to at least look that child in the eye and show them that there is something other than the pain they feel.  Our own lives and families are far more important than to get involved with the likes of that.

Sometimes just one moment is all it takes to show another human being the kindness and compassion we all deserve.  After I left the supermarket and was driving home I continued to let this subject twirl in my mind.  I knew I was already worn out and didn’t feel like preparing food upon arriving home.  I stopped by my local Hardee’s (yes, the same one where I called the employees a bunch of plebeians) to pick up a burger, fries and a lemonade.  It was 1040 and I knew they were already serving lunch.  My order was taken at the drive-thru and I pulled up.  There were two vehicles in front of me.  The car ahead of me stopped briefly at the window and then pulled up to a space apparently to await a staff member bringing his food to him.

Being hearing impaired I watch the window till someone arrives.  I saw two employees pointing at a monitor and eventually the young girl I saw there came to the window and asked if I was the one who ordered the two sausage biscuits.  I said no and advised I ordered a burger.  She apologized and left the window.  Upon returning she opened the window and I could hear a female voice verbally assaulting her.  She said it would be a few minutes and asked if I could pull up or she could just return my money.  I asked how long and she went to check.  She returned to tell me one minute and thirty seconds would be my wait.  At that moment a very rude woman pushed into the window demanding to know what the problem was.  The young girl told her I was waiting for my burger and trying to decide if I wanted my money back due to the wait.  The other woman snapped at the girl and said my order was ready.

Due to the other woman’s behavior I was ready to just ask for my money back.  When the girl returned with my food I asked who the woman was and was advised she was the General Manager of the store and the girl said she just got into trouble due to my order.  I was not happy at this point and asked if that woman’s supervisor was around, however seeing she was the General Manager, she was the top of the food chain here.  I told the girl that she was the only reason I was not asking for my money back.  If it had just been for the other person, I would ask for my money in a heartbeat and leave.  I further told this girl that she remained calm and reasonable even though it was apparent the manager was losing her self-control.

Normally I would praise someone like this in front of them to their supervisor.  This time, I knew that was not an option.  This manager seemed the type who would retaliate against the girl.   As I praised her, I saw her demeanor change.  She felt much better than when I first pulled up.

It only takes thirty seconds to make someone’s day.  It takes just a short amount of time to help a person who needs it.  Human compassion and kindness should be demonstrated, not only to those we know and feel have earned it, it is something that should be part of our daily lives toward strangers who may never cross our paths again.  Burying your head in the sand or putting blinders on does not make life’s ugly struggles go away.  Taking a few meager moments of your valuable time, however, can make it go away, or at the very least make things easier.

Appropriate Behavior

I have actually been thinking about this post for a couple days.  Then this morning, CBS’ Sunday Morning ran a piece about the same issue.  They focused on TMZ and how they get all the celebrity news faster than anyone else.  Looks like TMZ beat me to the story this time, too.  I am not really into following celebrities.  I don’t really care much in knowing what they had for breakfast (not that many of them eat breakfast).  I think all that gossip is just a trivial waist of time.  However, it seems that more and more these celebs have been invading my news.  I have been quite over the oil spill in the gulf and wish they would find something else to report on.  Then along comes a news story about a celebrity getting arrested, filing for divorce or misbehaving in some way.

August 31, 1997 I was watching television before going to bed when my program was interrupted.  They reported that there had been a car accident in France involving Princess Diana.   I had come to admire this woman and sat watching in wonder.  The last reported before I went to bed was that the princess suffered a broken arm and was sent to the hospital.  I felt sure she would be fine and went to bed.  When I arose the next morning and turned on the news, I learned of the complete tragedy.  Princess Diana was dead.  Through the months following I learned of the chase her car was put through by the paparazzi and blamed them for her death.  It really brought to light what reporters and photographers will do to get a story, even cause the death of a kind and generous lady like the princess.  If I want to be that intimately involved in someone’s life, I will marry them.  This is the main reason I don’t go in for all the celebrity gossip.  People have a right to their privacy, let them have it.

This post is not about that kind of gossip people seem to thrive on.  I saw last week when Lindsey Lohan went to court and was sentenced to 90 days jail time.  The experts stated that she will probably only do 30 days and in solitary confinement at that.  More and more celebrities are behaving badly and expecting not to have to answer for their misdeeds.  Mel Gibson has once again ticked someone off.  Personally I didn’t think there was anyone left for him to tick off.  Now he has charges pending once again.  Will he answer for this?  I doubt it.  Being a celebrity seems to give a person a get out of jail free card.  they are allowed to behave as badly as they like and then they don’t have to pay.  Had that been a regular citizen in that courtroom last week, they would have been hauled off to jail straight-away and put into general population for the entire 90 days.  However, Ms. Lohan went home and planned how she was going to party that night for her birthday.

I was raised to respect other people and especially authority.  Even back then the celebrities didn’t get out of line that badly.  Our local celebrities seem to think they can behave how they wish and not have to face consequences.  With previous football coaches I have seen some of the UT VOLs go out and break the law, get arrested and nothing happen to them on the team or in school, even if they broke the law on campus.  Now there is a coach who does things differently.  He believes the “stars” of the field should be good examples on the field and off.  Recently a few team members were involved in a barroom brawl and were arrested.  One has been expelled from the team and the other were suspended indefinitely.  I have not been a VOL fan in the past, but to this coach I lift my glass.

Celebrities, no matter who they are nor how much they are worth, should be afforded the same rights as the rest of the population.  No special treatment, no solitary confinement.  Give them what anyone else would get.  The new appropriate behavior for our role models in the US is misbehavior.  Just like burning Lebron’s tee shirts fed his narcissism, allowing celebrities to get away with anti-social behavior shows them that they can get away with what they do as well.  And they will continue to be the ill model of behavior for our children and teens until we show them we will not tolerate it any longer.

There Is NO Excuse for Abuse

There are so many things that the mass majority of people in my life do not know about me.  There are many people who think they know me, really know me.  I am not, nor have I ever been one to wear my heart on my sleeve.  A lot of those I have allowed to get close to me know this.  Very few of those in that group know the why behind it.  Yes, there is a very thick wall around my heart.  There has to be.  It has been the only way I have been able to survive the past 44 years.  There is one thing that those closest to  me, be they my inner-most circle or even a level or two outward, know and that is the one issue that I am the most vocal about, my main soapbox, if you will ~ ABUSE!!!  Abuse of any kind is down right intolerable in any society.  Child abuse, spousal abuse, animal abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse, elder abuse, and the list goes on.  there are so many names these days given to abuse, but in the end it is all the same.

I grew up with abuse.  I saw my father beat my mother when he was drunk.  My father nearly killed me three times, when he was drunk.  My aunt’s husband abused her till, finally she left him and they divorced (I had very eerie feelings whenever he was around).  I was also emotionally and physically abused by my mother and step-father (who also sexually abused me).  I have seen friends in relationships with people who had abusive and controlling tendencies.  I am not a violent person, however, there was one time in  my life that I looked in my friends eyes and said “If he ever lays another hand on you or one of those babies, I will kill him”.  This is someone I had known from childhood.  She knew I meant it.  She cut me out of her life instead of him.  The last I heard she followed suit and cut off everyone else.

Working in an emergency shelter for children, we once had a caseworker bring a toddler in after the child was released from the hospital where she was taken after being found severely beaten by her father.  She still had raccoon eyes.  The caseworker refused to give us even the father’s name as we (the director, two other workers at the shelter and I) were gathering bats and anything else we could find to go and beat the father.  The worker said he would have to have the first shot.  We cried knowing what the possibility was for this child to be returned to her father and just the sight of what he had already done sickened us.

Recently in the local news, a man was arrested and is going to stand charges after dragging a terrier-mix dog behind his truck.  The man says he didn’t know, however the witnesses that attempted to stop him say otherwise.  The dog is now doing fine but lost a lot of skin and fur on her paws and belly as well as had her nails worn all the way down.

Being graphic is not my intent here.  The human race is immune to the face of abuse.  We pay money to watch brutality.  Vulgar and abusive language is part of our every day lives to the point that most people don’t even realize they are saying it or hearing it.  So what do we do about it?

Laws have changed over the years to where the legal system now recognizes and brings charges against those who decades ago would have been lauded for their repulsive behavior.  There are still those who claim that an abused child is just receiving discipline from their parent(s); or a spouse who is abused, belittled and dominated has no right to file charges as it is within the sanctum of marriage and therefore no laws are broken.  To clarify at this point, I use the term spouse in a generic manner.  This is male and female and extends to significant others not just husband and wife.  Yes, men can also be abused by a spouse.  There are women who find satisfaction in being dominant and controlling in a relationship, but these cases are usually thrown out as no one wants to believe that a man can be abused.

My study in psychology is limited, but I chose that field to help others like me.  I was an adolescent counselor working mostly in juvenile justice for many years.  I was able to relate to a lot of the kids I worked with who were from abusive and neglected backgrounds.  I think they felt this and I believe I helped at least a few of them.  I don’t pretend to know what causes individuals to be abusive.  I have read case studies and seen movies made about real life cases.  Some believe it to be an imbalance of chemicals in the brain.  Others aver it to be victims of abuse becoming abusers themselves.  Watch any crime drama on television and see this depicted over and over again.    There are those who also give credence to the stress the abuser is going through at the time of the abuse.

It is so easy to use these excuses, but all that does is further allow the abuse to continue.  I can go out on a rampage and hurt, maim or kill a lot of people.  Then when I get to court, I plead innocent as I didn’t know what I was doing because I was abused as a child.  I don’t see the justification in this, but it is done every day.   Perhaps I do not know what was going through the mind of my abusers when they abused me.  I don’t know what goes through the mind of any abuser.  What I do know is that there is NO excuse for hurting another living soul, man or beast.   Saying things that are hurtful about a certain group, especially if there is someone within earshot that is in that particular group, is mean and abusive.  The words are said as a joke, but where is the funny side when someone gets hurt?

Before you raise your hand to hurt, raise your words to praise.  Before using hurtful words, think and say something good.  Hurting someone is not a sign that you love them, it is a sign that you need help.  If you know someone or suspect someone is being hurt, don’t tell that person they probably already know it.  Tell someone who can do something about it.  When my gym teacher saw bruises on me, a note was sent home.  I was beat even more.  Telling the abuser or the victim will not stop the pain.  My bruises have gone away and the physical scars have faded, but the emotional scars are still there buried with  my heart behind the fortress that was built up to protect it from those who said they loved me by hurting me.