Loneliness Can Kill
The other day I published a post called Regrets. I was hurting and didn’t know where to go or what to do. I was making plans though. I knew who would get what and made a list of letters to write to try to provide understanding. Believing I cause only pain and suffering to all those I touch, I isolated myself more from those I care about in an attempt to shield them from me.
My background in psychology gave me the insight to see what was going on, however, I still felt powerless to the forces within. A few of my on-line friends cornered me in an attempt to learn what was going on. I talked a bit. Then the next day still feeling very overwhelmed I was cornered by another on-line friend who isn’t as close to my inner-circle, and using MSN voice chat she read me the riot act and we talked more candidly. I cried so much there wasn’t one dry spot on my handkerchief. I told her that I believed the real issue to be my 16 month unemployment and diminished bank account compounded by a chronic illness.
After my four hour conversation with this person I ended up in a chat with one from my inner-circle. Mostly superficial on my part, but I told her that I promised not to even talk about booking a one-way flight to Iraq for myself. I then received an e-mail from a new friend that an old friend has been trying to introduce me to for nearly a year. I set it up and we began to chat in MSN and the mutual friend began IMing me in YIM at the same time my cousin IMd me in Skype. I was too focused on keeping my conversations straight to even acknowledge the overwhelming feelings within.
I spent a couple hours with a handful of my inner-circle last night in Second Life. I stayed up a wee past my bedtime last night pondering things and for the first time in days I didn’t cry myself to sleep. I am still unemployed. My bank account is still empty. I still have a chronic illness and I am still alone. I woke up this morning considering everything. I remember the other day feeling so bad I went on line and typed something (I can’t recall now what I typed) into a Google search. The result was a website linked to the suicide hot-line. I sat there and looked at the site and scrolled through. It kept saying that if you were in immanent danger to call the number. Being too cowardice I knew I wasn’t in that kind of danger and there are others more in need so I just looked at the screen. Finally, I closed the browser and played backgammon against my computer.
I am not one to wear my heart on my sleeve and don’t go around telling everyone how sad I am. This post and the last are exceedingly difficult. However, I feel it needs to be said as I am sure there are others out there like me who may need encouragement or just validation that they are not alone. What occurred to me this morning was how wrong I was in what I deduced yesterday. The things that I thought were causing my issues were the aggravaters. My real problem is loneliness. It has been weeks since I have felt the human touch. No hugs, no kisses, not even a handshake or the unintentional brushing up against someone not watching where they are walking in the market. There is no one here for me to talk to when I am having a bad day or get stressed out because my balance is off.
Yes, there are those that would say right now, “Well, you could call me”. I have called people or IMd them on-line with the intent of talking to them but I end up sitting and listening to them go on about their issues or they give me the feeling that they are too busy to take time for me. I oblige and listen or let them go so they could continue with what they were doing. Then I go off by myself.
The suicide rate increases during the winter months. Holiday time it is the absence of loved ones who have passed away. The cold weather sends us indoors where we are locked away from the rest of the world and when you live alone, that can be devastating. It is this separation from other people that can drive someone, even someone with intelligence and education, to consider ridding the world of their life.
I have not just been considering my own situation, I have been trying to see the other side as well. I am an isolationist, I try to cope by shutting myself off from everyone as I feel they do not need to be bothered with my issues. I know this is wrong, but it is all I know. So what should the ones who care about you do? How can they know when you aren’t one to broadcast (how I envy those people who can make things known)? A lot of times people get so busy with their own lives and their inner-circle that they forget about others they know who may be lonely. Those who know me, know I am unemployed and that I have a chronic illness that prevents me from doing a lot of things. There are times that I would love to take a walk in the park and make mention of it, but there is no one there to go with me, so I can’t go.
If you know someone who is pretty much cut off, then give them a call or drop them an e-mail. Stop by and not just because you are in the neighborhood. It will make a big impact if you go out of your way because you want to see them. Let them know you want to spend time with them just talking, not about their situation, but as a friend the way you have done many times in the past. Offer to go for a walk with them. Just reach out and touch someone don’t just think about them and later when you happen to see them or talk to them tell them you think about them and pray for them all the time. Those are nice words, but they don’t help to heal the real problem ~ Loneliness. You don’t need to ask them what you can do for them, they probably won’t tell you. But just be a friend and give them the one thing they crave more than anything in the world, your time and you.
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