DeeEl's Mo Chroí Scríofa

Regrets

When people are coming to the end of their life, whether it is the age number reaching further and further to the heights or perhaps they are facing a terminal illness, they being an evaluation of sorts regarding their life.  Questions begin to emerge wondering if they did the right thing at various times or if they did their best to get the most out of life.  There are those who use this to pack into however much time they may have left to do the things they never did.  This is now called a “bucket list”.

The other set of folks consider their regrets in life.  Some may begin to try to make up for those regrets.  Being kinder to other folks who share the earth with them, going back and apologizing to those they bullied as children, repaying loans they never intended to repay.  Whatever they need to do to leave the world as a better person than the way they lived.

As the end of my life approaches, I too, am looking at the regrets I have.  Some of my regrets seem a bit contradictory, and others totally unreasonable.  I regret not being strong enough to stand up for myself as a child as well as my younger sister.  I regret being so strong in my emotions that I could not show to the world how weak I really am inside.  I regret being so independent that I could not allow myself to rely on other people.  I regret using the terms friends and friendship too frivolously that I called people friend who in all honesty were just using me.  I believe I did this because I craved human connection and support so much that I just gave in and allowed myself to be used.  There was a woman, my age who passed away recently.  We grew up together.  I know she had a good side.  I called her a friend.  For the life of me now, all I can recall about her since hearing of her death  is the humor she found in totally humiliating me in front of others.  Especially her infamous “dress up day” in which she and her followers would pull my dress up so all the world could see what I had on underneath.

At this time in my life it may seem strange, but I actually regret always trying to do the right thing.  People say they respect it when someone tries to live their life the right way, but in actuality, they do so from a distance.  You see, it is my experience that those people do not want to be closely associated with someone trying to do the right thing unless it is at a specific time to make them look like a better person.  I regret learning how to write.  At the tender age of 13, shy and awkward, I thought I had found my voice, but it was never taken seriously.  Or perhaps it was me who was never taken seriously.  Back then and even today, I still cannot figure out how to adequately make known the pain I have inside.

I suppose my biggest regret is all the lives I have caused harm to.  I have offended so many just by my mere existence.  I seek no forgiveness as I know it is unwarranted.  I just wish there were a way I could go back and make it so I never touched any life at all.  I can no longer tolerate the pain, both physical and emotional.  When I try to say anything I am met with retorts such as “Stop being so negative” and “Just suck it up, princess and move on”.  One of my favorites is “pivot”.  People who have their health and family and friends around that they can rely on for support are also judgmental of those of us who are not in that situation.  I am now believing that who you really are isn’t who you think you are, nor who others think you are.  In fact you are who you think others think you are.  That makes me a person not worthy of others time and energy.   I also believe my mother was correct in making me believe that my sole purpose in this world is to be used and abused.  NEVER again.