DeeEl's Mo Chroí Scríofa

It’s Criminal

Lately my mind has been twisting and turning (the tornadoes that control my writing) with regards to criminal activity especially in regards to being presumed innocent in this country.  This morning I logged into Facebook to check status updates of those on my contact list.  Usually I go to the page and slowly scroll down skimming what others have said.  If something slaps me in the face, I read it in depth and then leave a comment or click that I like it or something.  This morning I hit two identical updates and not only had to leave comments, but had to make it my update as well.

“IMPORTANT !!!!!!!!!! DO NOT join the group that runs currently on Facebook with the title “becoming a father or mother was the greatest gift of my life” This is a group created by pedophiles whose aim is to access your photos!!!!!!! Please copy & paste this to your status and pass it round…… before someones photo are used inappropriately”

Reading this coupled with the ideas that have been flowing through my mind sent me reeling.  Many television programs run episodes regarding pedophiles, child abusers and child pornographers.  Think mainly about Law & Order: Special Victims Unit.  Having been abused as a child and then going on to work with kids who had been abused, these issues strike at my core.  I still cannot wrap my head around what would make someone feel the need or find pleasure in doing harm to those who cannot defend themselves.

This takes me to the whole “presumed innocent” idea in this country.  This makes me so ill.  How can someone be caught in the act and still be presumed innocent?  A person can be in a room with 20 other people and cameras recording all angles, take out a gun and murder one of those people.  Then according to the law, they allegedly murdered that person.  Presumed innocent?  Hogwash!!  In my series of novels I am writing about the heroine Samantha Neilson, the laws in the country are quite different.  The only time a person on trial is presumed innocent is when there is no evidence or circumstantial evidence against them.  Here, you can be caught in the act and have a mountain of evidence against you and you are still presumed innocent.

What about the innocence of the children who have been abused?  The laws in this area have been getting stricter, however, they are still not tough enough.  Those who steal the innocence from children should be treated at the same level as murderers.  They are, after all, murdering the innocence of the children.  And furthermore, the  non-physical scars left after the abuse is over will last the lifetime of that child.    Perhaps if the consequences are not only tougher, but actually carried out, then we would have fewer people committing the crimes.

I do not have the mind of a criminal.  I once went into a music store and they had such a large stock of sheet music, I felt like a kid in a toy store.  I inadvertently bought pieces I had not intended to buy and didn’t realize it till I was home and going through my cache.  I tried to return them to the store for a refund.  I was advised that there is a federal law which prohibits this.  Even after working years in Juvenile Justice, I received an education regarding the criminal element.  Apparently people buy music, take it and photocopy it and then return it for their money back.  In essence, they steal it.  It is always the innocent ones who have to pay for the crimes of the guilty.

This reminded me of my studies while in Juvenile Justice.  I remember reading about other countries and how they handled various criminal acts.  China got rid of their drug problems virtually over night by executing the drug dealers and rehabbing the known users.  Some countries cut off the hands of thieves.  One country would take a drunk driver and their family way outside their town (in the desert) drop them off and make them walk back home after posting their info in the town center.  These may seem harsh and some would say communistic, but the severity of the consequences detract people from committing the crimes.

One of the commenters to the aforementioned status update alluded to owning a very sharp knife to use in taking care of pedophiles.  Perhaps if pedophiles, child abusers, child molesters and child pornographers all received the death sentence there would be fewer to commit these heinous crimes.  I am also in favor of complete castration and permanent chastity belts.  This problem is ours and until we all work together to stop these, for lack of better wording, dirt-bags, pigs, scum of the earth the problem will only get worse.

Commander?

On January 20, 2009, history was made as the first bi-racial man was inaugurated as the 44th president of the United States of America.  Having a white mother and a black father, Mr. Obama considers himself black.  There is nothing wrong with this.  He is a man of confidence, believing in himself he presents as a strong personality with character and ability.  Many love him for the fact that he is black and made history being elected president.  Many also, despise him for the same reasons.

Having now been in office for 13 months it appears Mr. Obama’s approval ratings have been waning.  I have not conducted any scientific polls, nor have I spent an exuberant amount of time researching polls that have been conducted.  However, I can speculate as to the reasons.  All I really know is my own thoughts and feelings regarding the Commander-In-Chief.

I saw some of the interview that was done on CBS This Morning with Mrs. Obama.  If she was in earnest with her answers to the personal questions posed, then it would seen that Mr. Obama is trying to keep his personal family life real and intact.  This is admirable and should be applauded instead of  disparaged.  I send many kudos to anyone who can work in a public office and maintain as close to normal a family life as is possible for the situation.  Well done.

Personally, I watched eagerly from the first moment during the election as Mr. Obama began to push forth his on-going plea for health care reform (this started for him long before he began his run for the presidency).   Having a chronic illness, I know the cost of health insurance and how rates go up because you have to visit the doctor more than you used to.  Then I lost my job in October 2008 and learned the hard way the feeling of being turned down for insurance due to a chronic illness and finding prices so outrageous I couldn’t have afforded them with a good income, much less unemployment income.  As time went on I continued to watch.  I did not give in to the hype being lodged against the president by members of congress and senate.  I listened to Mr. Obama’s words.  It was his own words while addressing the Senate in September that turned my thoughts against the health care reform.  You can read my thoughts about that in a previous post.

Another issue that I believe has gone against Mr. Obama is his winning of the Nobel Peace Prize in December 2009.  Less then one year in office and he won the Nobel Peace Prize.  I wondered what he did to EARN it other than the fact that he has black skin and was elected as President of the US.  In his speech he acknowledged the fact that he had not fully earned the honor (indicating he feels he has begun to earn it) but in the same respect he did nothing to turn it down and have it given to someone who has truly earned it.

So what kind of a Commander-In-Chief is President Obama?  He can make speeches that are pretty and well written (credit goes to his speech writers).   He accepted a Nobel Peace prize he did not earn.  He has given indication he wants to bring our troops home (can’t do this completely as we have too many military facilities around the world in countries we have no business being in).  He wants to close Guantanamo Bay installations.  It seems however, he has one main focus for his time in office ~  health care reform bill.  He wants it the way he wants it and doesn’t care about how it will have an ill effect on the the majority of the United States.  This makes me wonder what his real agenda is.  Who will really benefit from this bill as he wants it passed?  My money is on the rich healthy people.  The Commander-In-Chief should have more on his mind for this country than one bill which is not a benefit to the country as a whole.  Perhaps if he broadens his vision his approval rating will rise again and not just because of the color of his skin, but because he is really making a difference.

Loneliness Can Kill

The other day I published a post called Regrets.  I was hurting and didn’t know where to go or what to do.   I was making plans though.  I knew who would get what and made a list of letters to write to try to provide understanding.  Believing I cause only pain and suffering to all those I touch, I isolated myself more from those I care about in an attempt to shield them from me.

My background in psychology gave me the insight to see what was going on, however, I still felt powerless to the forces within.  A few of my on-line friends cornered me in an attempt to learn what was going on.  I talked a bit.  Then the next day still feeling very overwhelmed I was cornered by another on-line friend who isn’t as close to my inner-circle, and using MSN voice chat she read me the riot act and we talked more candidly.  I cried so much there wasn’t one dry spot on my handkerchief.  I told her that I believed the real issue to be my 16 month unemployment and diminished bank account compounded by a chronic illness.

After my four hour conversation with this person I ended up in a chat with one from my inner-circle.  Mostly superficial on my part, but I told her that I promised not to even talk about booking a one-way flight to Iraq for myself.  I then received an e-mail from a new friend that an old friend has been trying to introduce me to for nearly a year.  I set it up and we began to chat in MSN and the mutual friend began IMing me in YIM at the same time my cousin IMd me in Skype.  I was too focused on keeping my conversations straight to even acknowledge the overwhelming feelings within.

I spent a couple hours with a handful of my inner-circle last night in Second Life.  I stayed up a wee past my bedtime last night pondering things and for the first time in days I didn’t cry myself to sleep.  I am still unemployed.  My bank account is still empty.  I still have a chronic illness and I am still alone.  I woke up this morning considering everything.  I remember the other day feeling so bad I went on line and typed something (I can’t recall now what I typed) into a Google search.  The result was a website linked to the suicide hot-line.  I sat there and looked at the site and scrolled through.  It kept saying that if you were in immanent danger to call the number.  Being too cowardice I knew I wasn’t in that kind of danger and there are others more in need so I just looked at the screen.  Finally, I closed the browser and played backgammon against my computer.

I am not one to wear my heart on my sleeve and don’t go around telling everyone how sad I am.  This post and the last are exceedingly difficult.  However, I feel it needs to be said as I am sure there are others out there like me who may need encouragement or just validation that they are not alone.  What occurred to me this morning was how wrong I was in what I deduced yesterday.  The things that I thought were causing my issues were the aggravaters.   My real problem is loneliness.  It has been weeks since I have felt the human touch.  No hugs, no kisses, not even a handshake or the unintentional brushing up against someone not watching where they are walking in the market.  There is no one here for me to talk to when I am having a bad day or get stressed out because my balance is off.

Yes, there are those that would say right now, “Well, you could call me”.  I have called people or IMd them on-line with the intent of talking to them but I end up sitting and listening to them go on about their issues or they give me the feeling that they are too busy to take time for me.  I oblige and listen or let them go so they could continue with what they were doing.  Then I go off by myself.

The suicide rate increases during the winter months.  Holiday time it is the absence of loved ones who have passed away.  The cold weather sends us indoors where we are locked away from the rest of the world and when you live alone, that can be devastating.  It is this separation from other people that can drive someone, even someone with intelligence and education, to consider ridding the world of their life.

I have not just been considering my own situation, I have been trying to see the other side as well.  I am an isolationist, I try to cope by shutting myself off from everyone as I feel they do not need to be bothered with my issues.  I know this is wrong, but it is all I know.  So what should the ones who care about you do?  How can they know when you aren’t one to broadcast (how I envy those people who can make things known)?  A lot of times people get so busy with their own lives and their inner-circle that they forget about others they know who may be lonely.  Those who know me, know I am unemployed and that I have a chronic illness that prevents me from doing a lot of things.  There are times that I would love to take a walk in the park and make mention of it, but there is no one there to go with me, so I can’t go.

If you know someone who is pretty much cut off, then give them a call or drop them an e-mail.  Stop by and not just because you are in the neighborhood.  It will make a big impact if you go out of your way because you want to see them.  Let them know you want to spend time with them just talking, not about their situation, but as a friend the way you have done many times in the past.  Offer to go for a walk with them.  Just reach out and touch someone don’t just think about them and later when you happen to see them or talk to them tell them you think about them and pray for them all the time.   Those are nice words, but they don’t help to heal the real problem ~ Loneliness.  You don’t need to ask them what you can do for them, they probably won’t tell you.   But just be a friend and give them the one thing they crave more than anything in the world, your time and you.

Regrets

When people are coming to the end of their life, whether it is the age number reaching further and further to the heights or perhaps they are facing a terminal illness, they being an evaluation of sorts regarding their life.  Questions begin to emerge wondering if they did the right thing at various times or if they did their best to get the most out of life.  There are those who use this to pack into however much time they may have left to do the things they never did.  This is now called a “bucket list”.

The other set of folks consider their regrets in life.  Some may begin to try to make up for those regrets.  Being kinder to other folks who share the earth with them, going back and apologizing to those they bullied as children, repaying loans they never intended to repay.  Whatever they need to do to leave the world as a better person than the way they lived.

As the end of my life approaches, I too, am looking at the regrets I have.  Some of my regrets seem a bit contradictory, and others totally unreasonable.  I regret not being strong enough to stand up for myself as a child as well as my younger sister.  I regret being so strong in my emotions that I could not show to the world how weak I really am inside.  I regret being so independent that I could not allow myself to rely on other people.  I regret using the terms friends and friendship too frivolously that I called people friend who in all honesty were just using me.  I believe I did this because I craved human connection and support so much that I just gave in and allowed myself to be used.  There was a woman, my age who passed away recently.  We grew up together.  I know she had a good side.  I called her a friend.  For the life of me now, all I can recall about her since hearing of her death  is the humor she found in totally humiliating me in front of others.  Especially her infamous “dress up day” in which she and her followers would pull my dress up so all the world could see what I had on underneath.

At this time in my life it may seem strange, but I actually regret always trying to do the right thing.  People say they respect it when someone tries to live their life the right way, but in actuality, they do so from a distance.  You see, it is my experience that those people do not want to be closely associated with someone trying to do the right thing unless it is at a specific time to make them look like a better person.  I regret learning how to write.  At the tender age of 13, shy and awkward, I thought I had found my voice, but it was never taken seriously.  Or perhaps it was me who was never taken seriously.  Back then and even today, I still cannot figure out how to adequately make known the pain I have inside.

I suppose my biggest regret is all the lives I have caused harm to.  I have offended so many just by my mere existence.  I seek no forgiveness as I know it is unwarranted.  I just wish there were a way I could go back and make it so I never touched any life at all.  I can no longer tolerate the pain, both physical and emotional.  When I try to say anything I am met with retorts such as “Stop being so negative” and “Just suck it up, princess and move on”.  One of my favorites is “pivot”.  People who have their health and family and friends around that they can rely on for support are also judgmental of those of us who are not in that situation.  I am now believing that who you really are isn’t who you think you are, nor who others think you are.  In fact you are who you think others think you are.  That makes me a person not worthy of others time and energy.   I also believe my mother was correct in making me believe that my sole purpose in this world is to be used and abused.  NEVER again.

Nodar Kumaritashvili ~ Georgia

Yesterday, I was in Second Life hosting a Celtic gig at my pub when the corner of my eye caught sight of the news.  The report was telling of a fatality which had occurred during a practice for the luge in the Winter Olympics being held in Vancouver.  I quickly turned on the volume of my television to listen and advised everyone of the accident.  I did not catch which country the man was from but noted there had already been a dozen accidents, but this was the first fatality.  In fact, Nodar Kumaritshvili’s death marks the first fatality in the winter games since 1992 and the first fatality in the luge during the winter games since 1964.  One of the patrons in the pub told me that the man was from Georgia.  I just watched in wonder as the reporter completed his story.

I was already planning to watch the opening ceremonies as they are my favorite part (I will write about the reason for that later).  The chatter with the reporters covering the games was whether or not the Georgian’s would remain for the games and if so, would they even participate in the ceremonies hours following the death of their teammate.  I forced myself to stay up waiting and watching.  It was mesmerizing watching the Georgian athletes walk into the arena and being greeted with a standing ovation.  Each of the delegation wore a black armband and there was a single black ribbon attached to their flag.  I sat wiping the tears from my eyes as I looked at each of the Georgian’s displayed on the screen.  I re-watched that segment today as I had taped the ceremonies to watch in their entirety.  Again I was struck by the entire situation and the words which had been brewing in my mind began to spill out.  Here, I place the verse in memory of Mr. Kumaritshvili and to honor his family, friends and teammates.

Georgia

Stepping through the arch
Somber, still, brave
Your flag, it is draped
With a lone ebon tie
The thin veil of hope on your face
Does very little to hide the
Deep pain bleeding within
There were those who wondered
Would you stay?  Or would you go?
Many, they did doubt
This festive walk you would take
When your journey began
Your number, it was nine
Then fate stepped in on
A wretched, deadly curve
Now, with one slipped away
He continues on,
a different journey he must take
You, now face the world
His name to make known
When you fly, when you glide
His memory will go with you
You were, after all,
One solid crew
Never destroyed, ever renewed
You are Georgian through and through.

February 13, 2010
© DL Bach

We Are The World Misses It ~~ By A World

When “We Are The World” first came out in March 1985, I remember thinking that it was nice of them to put this together to raise money for African  Famine Relief.  Now twenty-five years later they have remade the song to benefit the earthquake stricken Haiti.  I still think it is a nice song and it is also nice to consider raising money to help others.  However, I do believe that they are missing the big picture and missed it 25 years ago as well.

I was watching the news when they aired a piece about the remake of Michael Jackson and Lionel Richie’s infamous song.  It struck me as odd when they began mentioning the people who would be  participating in this recording.  I went on a mission to learn more and found pretty much the same people had been involved in the original recording.  This group is made up mostly of North American musicians, singers and actors; a handful of English performers and a sprinkling of Latin artists.  I can understand these people wanting to be involved to lay claim that it is Michael Jackson’s project and is a good will song.  What I can’t understand is how they can, in good conscience, perform a song which talks about bringing the world together and not include the rest of the world.

Where are the Haitian’s, Russian’s, Romanian’s, Iraqi’s?  Why are the German’s, Afghan’s, Chinese not involved?  How can you have a song about the people of the world being one and not include a group from all nations of the world?  I haven’t figured out why they allotted a month to complete the original project (which they barely made the deadline for) and this time far less time adding even more undue pressure.

For those who are doing this project and want to do it properly I suggest you step back and add more time to your self-imposed deadline.  Get a clue by actually reading and comprehending the lyrics you are performing.  Get a nice sized grouping of entertainers in ALL nations of the world.  Let them perform the song not only in English, but their native tongue as well.  Taking the time to do this right and being ALL inclusive will provide a much more accurate fulfillment of the words being sung.

If it is FOR the world and ABOUT the world, then it should be delivered BY the world

Health Care Bill = Health Crisis

Terri Carlson wants her 15 minutes of fame and she wants publicity.  Well, I give her publicity here and on Twitter.  Just not the kind she wants.  She lives in California and has been setting up YouTube videos to find herself a husband.  Some may think this a novel idea.  She doesn’t want a husband to love, nor does she want his money.  Ms. Carlson is looking for a man to marry her and add her to his insurance.  She completed a segment on the CBS Morning Show this morning again, begging for a husband.  She did not say what her medical condition is, but on her YouTube this morning before taking her flight she showed she was taking her medical test results with her as proof that the is ill.  She is averring that she, a professed Republican, should be the poster child for President Obama’s health care reform bill.  She has a job working for a disabilities group, but they do not offer health insurance.  She has been buying Cobra Insurance (which everyone will attest to is very expensive), but it runs out in a year.  She feels she must marry someone within a year and be added to his insurance in order to maintain her health care.

Ms. Carlson wants to see the entire bill go through so she will not be denied health care.  I sent her a note via her website.  I spelled out how she is wrong.  This is a selfish act on her part.  I believe that she is aware of this.  She keeps stating this is all fer HER to be able to get benefits.  She does not have other people in mind as she sets out on her talk show arena.  I have blogged in the past about this health care reform bill.  I have read more of it than the politicians we are relying on to vote on our behalf.  The only good thing in the bill as it is written is the section that will make it illegal for insurance companies to deny someone benefits due to a pre-existing condition.  However, Ms. Carlson does not take into consideration that this bill will force everyone to buy insurance even if they cannot afford it.  Yes, there will be some allowance, but they are not very good ones.

In order for this to work, the government needs to revamp many areas, including the Americans with Disabilities Act.  President Obama has had one goal since running for office ~ Health Care Reform.  I watched him and listened to him as I was in favor of this myself.  I did not give into the belief that his reform would bring about euthanasia.  I did not listen to anyone but Mr. Obama.  Unfortunately, it was his words during his address to the Senate in September that turned me against his bill.  He is in a hurry to get this through in order to help a few people he has been trying to help since he first went into politics.  However, he too has missed the big picture, the helping of ALL Americans.  Until all Americans, or at least the largest population of Americans can benefit, this bill needs to be rewritten.  Doctors can increase their costs for people without insurance while charging insurance companies the minimal.  Alcoholics can get disability when alcoholism is their only disability, but people with heart disease and Meniere’s Disease cannot.  This is not a perfect country and the government only wants to put a coat of paint on a decaying wall.

Sombody!!

I have barred the door as I feel the mob gathering to charge, armed with clubs and torches.  Words that have been slowly mulling in my mind for years spewed out into an astonishing reality in my dreams last night.  The song that resounded over and over and over in my dream was one that Frank Sinatra made famous, “You’re Nobody, Til Somebody Loves You”.  I am a fan of Ole Blue-eyes, but I must admit, this song has left me confused.  The song implies that you can’t be somebody till someone else loves you, however the end tells you to go and find someone to love.  How does finding someone for you to love cause them to love you and thereby make you a somebody?  This had been my life’s theme for a long time as I didn’t feel as if anyone loved me and therefore I was a nobody.

Not long ago I was watching a crime drama on television.  Before this girl went missing and was ultimately found dead, she reached out to an FBI agent that she remembered due to his kindness towards her.  Alas, the FBI agent, through the entire show, could not remember her.  She had been, after all, a lowly receptionist where he used to work.  In other words, a nobody.  While the agent never remembered her, he did try to change his ways at the end to be more aware and more mindful of those who were seemingly of less importance.

In my dream last night, the part I remember most, an older woman had passed away.  Another woman, who turned out to be her daughter, read off a list of the dead woman’s accomplishments.  I felt impressed by all she had done.  However, the orator stopped abruptly without finishing and blurted out, “In other words, a nobody”.  I snapped my head up and snatched the paper away and reprimanded, “No, she WAS somebody”.  Then, as I began to berate the daughter, I woke up.

What makes one person more valuable than another?

Why should one race, religion or nationality be more vital than any other?

Every person, every human being IS somebody!

Just because one cleans toilets for a living while another lives off his trust-fund, doesn’t make either less important.  Just because one owns many multimillion dollar homes and businesses while another lives on the streets and scrounges for food,  does not make either more of a person.

I once heard a story that Donald Trump was in his limousine when it got a flat tire in a rain storm.  A passer-by changed the tire and Mr. Trump wanted to repay him.  The man left his business card and only asked that Mr. Trump send his wife a dozen roses.  However, the “generous” Mr. Trump sent her dozens of roses and paid off the man’s mortgage.  Whether or not this tale is true, I don’t know.  But I wonder, does Mr. Trump even know anything about the people who clean his toilets everyday?  Or are they faceless nobodies to him?

No, this is not a bash against Mr. Sinatra nor Mr. Trump.  Due to illness I sit in my home pretty much all day, every day.  The only “human” contact I have is on the internet.  People do not drop by nor call just to chat.  To them, I suppose, I am just an unemployed nobody not worthy of the time in their busy day.  But that’s okay.  Think about all the people you encounter every day.  Office workers you hardly glance at as they rush by on their way to the lunchroom.  The receptionist who manages so much for you, you don’t know about.  The person on the street you bump into while trying to talk on your cellphone.  Nobodies to you, but somebody who is just as important as you think you are.

Devastation In Haiti

On Tuesday, January 12, 2010, an earthquake measuring 7.0 on the Richter Scale struck the country of Haiti leaving devastation in its wake.  This is the first earthquake of this magnitude to hit the country in a century.  I have, watched passively the news casts containing graphic photos of the pain and destruction.  I spent a week in Haiti back in 1989.  During this week I celebrated my 24^th birthday.  While I did not go to Haiti to celebrate my birthday, it was an added bonus while I was there.  One of the shots shown on the news was the, now flattened, National Palace.  I looked away fast as tears began to well up in my eyes.  I remembered the day I took this photograph of that same National Palace.  Now it is rubble.

There have been so many thoughts going through my mind the past week since the story first broke of the earthquake.  I think about other natural disasters in recent history around the world.  I think about the loss.  And yes, I think about the time I spent there all those years ago.  I fortify my thoughts by looking through my scrapbook and remembering as if it were last week I was there.  As I look, listen and remember I find myself experiencing a wide range of emotions as well.  Sadness and heartbreak for all those who are there or have loved ones there.  I also feel relief as I know it could have been much worse.

The other emotion that seems to have taken over is anger.  Not because this happened, but anger over the reactions of some Americans.  I can understand they are grieving as their loved ones were there when the earthquake struck and have still not been found.  My issue is with them thinking and crying out as if American lives are of more value than other lives around the world.  There are still many Canadians, Europeans and especially Haitians unaccounted for.  There are over 100 UN staffers missing as well.  I hear the pleas of Americans begging the President of the United States to do everything possible to find the missing Americans.  Why are their lives more valuable?  From what I have seen in news reports the world around is sending aid in some form or fashion to try to find the missing and bring comfort and relief to the rest of the country.  There is nothing more that can be done than is already being done.

Human life is human life.  One life is not of more value than any other.  Narrow mindedness breeds resentment.  It is okay to grieve and want your loved ones back safely, but when you believe they are more important than another persons loved one, you make way for resentment.  I hope they find all those who are missing no matter their skin color, religion or nationality.  Hold good thoughts for all those who are missing, those who are injured, those who died and all their loved ones around the world.  Remember Haiti in all her beauty and splendor.  Like the grandeur found in this, the oldest church in Haiti.

Getting A Job In A Recession = FRUSTRATION

Being out of work for nearly 15 months has given me pause to consider many things.  To start, I hit the rewind button and go back to September ‘08.  The boss came in and let me know what he would be telling all the other employees two hours later (a meeting I couldn’t attend do to a doctor’s appointment).  He began by sitting down and pulling his chair over and said that the decision was made to run the station with only two employees.  He was not one of the employees who would be remaining either.  This was devastating.  I went to keep my appointment and then stopped at the package store on the way home.  I sent e-mails to those I had obligations to that weekend (it was a Friday) to advise I would NOT be in any condition to honor those obligations that weekend.  I then proceeded to plunge into the bottles of tequila, rum and Kahlua I brought home with me.  I remained in a state of shock thinking it was just a dream.  Even after October 31st (the last day of work for all of us) came and went, I was numb with shock (no I did not finish all of the contents of my bottles that weekend, nor did I imbibe continuously).

I finally began looking at things with open eyes (after using my already soaked handkerchief to dry my eyes).  I knew that due to my health I would not be able to get another regular job until I could regain more of my stamina lost from my chronic illness.  I also watched the unemployment numbers soar both locally as well as nationally.  To say I was scared is an understatement.  I had already considered the possibility of my needing to do freelance writing as my physical condition worsened.  But I never anticipated being thrown into it.  I mustered every ounce of focus I could to put things together.  I began by making the decision to start my own business and become a freelance writer.  I then set about reading and studying and putting money into the things I would need to help me along the way.  I even went to a writer’s conference in New York City (Oy vey, what a trip).  Some writer friends shared links to sites where they bid for jobs.

I took an online career test to help me figure out my direction.  The test determined I should be a writer or work in a museum.  I thought, why not put them together and write about museums and historical events.  I laid it all out in my head and then on paper.  I knew the types of magazines and publications I could submit to.  I bought a small camera outfit to add photos to my work for better sales opportunities.  With the help of a friend (the best graphic designer any where.  Just check out my website and other blogs to see her work) I set up my website to begin “pimping” myself out.   I was going in the right direction.  Then I came to a screeching halt.  I realized that I didn’t have a clue about how to get to that place I wanted to be.  I attempted to ask those who have been in the business on a large scale for a long time and was pretty much shut out.  Two even said they would help me and make an appointment with me to just sit down and talk and then they avoided me like the plague.  I guess they saw that I have the talent and they felt I wanted to take over their jobs and clients.  Oh well.

As time has worn on in my endeavors I have grown more and more discouraged.  It doesn’t help when I see those I know with jobs and making an income complain how much they hate their jobs.  I would love to trade with them.  It seems that those who complain about their jobs get all kinds of sympathy from everyone else (I am speaking of status updates on various social networks).  However, when I have made comments voicing my frustration and discouragement from being unemployed and the lack of prospects, I get met with short, bitter statements like “move” or “get over it princess”.   Then there are those who pose questions and when I answer them in a realistic manner (not saying I am giving up totally) they make it sound like I am saying I am doomed and will find nothing.  It seems all of the advise and “encouragement” is coming from those who have at least one household income, their health and continual moral support and encouragement.

Doors get closed (some in your face).  Opportunities fizzle.  Unemployment funds run out.  Bank accounts dry up.  Desperation sets in.  Some folks turn to robbing and conning to get money to pay their bills and put food on the table.  Others take what little money they have and “invest” it in the lottery.  I have been tempted at both of these.  Especially seeing the billboard which brags that the Power Ball is up to $30 Million for the week.    The former, I blew off steam by IMing a friend that I am considering white-collar crime.  Then I can be sent to prison and have my needs taken care of and just spend my days writing.  I even jokingly posted a status update asking if someone could teach me how to get rid of my conscience so I could indulge in criminal behavior since it pays better than being out of work.  I can understand why people turn to this kind of behavior, but I don’t condone it.

The only thing worse than trying to find work during a recession would be to try to find work during a depression.  That is economical or emotional.  So what is one to do in this situation?  There are the optimists who would say to make some lemonade out of these lemons.  Then the pessimists who would tell us to just stay in bed it will never work out anyway.  Cynics?  nothing matters anyway, so why bother.  Nothing I have covered is news.  Well, perhaps you didn’t know about my weekend binge.  I am venting my own frustrations of not being able to get a viable job in the middle of a recession.  Yes, I said middle of.  I know the President and all his mouth pieces have said the recession is ending, but when you have no job and none in sight it is like trying to see the end of your car while driving in the middle of a fog in East Tennessee.  You can’t see that far.